Anxiety has gotten worse since a job incident a few weeks ago, I won't go into details but it was harsh on me and I'm learning all the time I try to be stronger is showing my ignorance towards that anxiety, I hide and I'm naive for it because I have no idea how else I can face it other than go head on without thinking and try to keep busy and that's why I need a job that does keep you busy pretty much all the time and something I can do. Problem is, I also want it to be part time and something simple I can work up with, so something to do with data entry or being an assistant and not relying on a lot of customer phone work either.
I know it's ungrateful and I should appreciate what job I can get etc, but that didn't work for me a few weeks ago and I've been signed off as too 'sick' for work, I do still look but I'm not under a constant amount of pressure in my head to be looking for work and worrying myself sick if it's enough each day to be able to still get paid each fortnight.
Problems I run into while in a constant anxious state are then esculated and I feel I've got a lot of loose nerves people could touch, leaving me in a tangled mess of vulnerability.
I'm also learning that I can't be bothered to do something or achieve something if it's going to take too long, I'd rather wait until I can focus 100% on it and keep playing it or doing it until it's done, I've a lack of patience sometimes and this definitely affects my weight and even games, hence why I have no patience in playing a game that lasts more than 40 hours etc.
I guess this is just a mini rant to get those thoughts out of my head really, a few weeks ago I tried to kill myself because of unjustified accusations thrown at me, I have a high value to my life and I'm scared of the afterlife yet I have an agnostic view on religion, I know I currently exist and I know there's important people in my life who I love and care about and want to see them grow up.
I seem to fear peoples impressions of me, feeling like people look down on me and see me as an attention seeker, sometimes I don't care, especially around my closest of friends, but other times I'm extremely shy and wonder just what can I talk about with them at a LAN or event to be able to be interesting to them, even these posts terrify the crap out of me and on social networking sites I'll delete some things if I start to feel panicked that I'm being judged silently and not in the good way.
Urgh.
Anxiety is a difficult thing. We all experience it in some form at some point but it is how we deal with it that makes the difference. While you may think that trying to push the feelings away and staying busy to avoid thinking about things is working, really you are just creating a time bomb that will hit you hard later. The only real way to deal with it is to let yourself experience it. I'm not saying to jump full in as that would overwhelm you but exposing yourself a little at a time to the things that make you anxious so that you can learn to let it go and realise that there was nothing to be afraid of in the first place. Job anxiety is very difficult to overcome as people will have more expectations of you and having the time to work through your anxiety may not be possible. You seem to be looking for something you know you can do easily as a way of beating it but maybe you should also look for something that maybe you can't do as well but which has no pressure to perform and will give you the time you need to work through your fear. It will be difficult, especially as the job market is still rather crap at the moment, but I'm sure something will come along that will allow you to start working things out. Maybe something more on the voluntary side of things as the pressure to perform is often less.
ReplyDeleteRemember that courage is not the lack of fear, merely fear focussed to help you achieve your goal.