I've wanted to go visit them for about two years now, but the cost of the trip would be about £800, money I assumed I would be able to save when I got a job and so far I have only held a job for a month in that time so I started giving up on the crazy idea and it started to become a fantasy that will never happen.
The last few days I've come up with an idea to visit my friend next year if he consents to the idea, the goal being that if I reach 12 stone I can go visit him as soon as I'd like, assuming I've got the money and can do it, I wouldn't be able to pay for a flight then tell myself to lose weight in time for it because my brain would tell me I'll be going anyway so I can relax, but I do better under some pressure when I really want something if it seems crazy enough to obtain if I try hard for it.
I'm not sure how I'd raise the money but it's about time I actually make the effort with no excuses, I've been written down as unable to work because of my anxiety and I think that's because of my deep self hatred despite me working on it in the last few months, I can't love myself if I've already given up and admitted defeat about my looks and I have friends around me who have shown an incredible amount of care and dedication to be there and support me.
Right now I wish I could get everything on the go, move out, sign up to a gym and be able to cook healthier foods, I want to exercise all the time and make sure I'm losing weight as fast as possible because I'm impatient, I want to use the oportunity I have of being too anxious in several forms of it to be able to work and make myself physically capable of working because I am realising that my subconscious throws some bizarre moments of clarity at me when something is achieved despite the fact I've felt like I've resigned from whatever it is/was a long time ago, it's refreshing and I'm feeling something in me that isn't just giving up and disappointing me and/or being predictable.
Is it silly to be aiming for something that would cost about £800-900 next year for the weight loss I'd want to make? I wonder if that's how much I'd save in food and clothes by gaining weight though if I don't find something seriously motivating for me..it terrifies me to have gained three stone already this year after losing six stone in the last four years.
Here's plenty of motivation I've always had in my mind but for some reason has never been enough despite being things I've always been unable to do or see unless I did lose the weight:
- I'd be able to wear clothes only available in smaller sizes and this would also enable be to cosplay, I'd be able to wear steampunk, gothic lolita and some cyber clothing and I think/hope I would look good enough for photoshoots as well, I've always been told I have a pretty face but I fear how much surgery would be required to cut off excess skin/flab from my body before I could do much, it also costs money for pretty clothing like that.
- I'd be healthier which is always a plus, my knees would scream less at me and I'd generally have a healthier feeling and looking body.
- I've never seen what I truly look like under the weight as I've always been a chubby kid and then grew into an obese kid once puberty introduced itself, it's a scary thought to finally see what you look like and I'm scared I won't like it but I am also very curious.
- I'd feel better about myself because I wouldn't be able to beat myself up about being overweight and therefore gain the confidence to wear what I want in public, but this may mean my wardrobe will be too small for me anymore and I'll have difficulties having all the clothes and being able to afford it all perhaps!
- I'd stop beating myself up for being unattractive because I'd have no weight to use as an excuse for someone I like not being attracted to me, not to be crude but it would also mean I'm better in the bedroom with less flab to hinder etc.
- Related to the last few points but to look for work would be more enjoyable because I'd enjoy being able to show myself off, I'd potentially be able to get a career in some form of modelling or be able to be a more self confident photographer if I improved to that level because I believe people are more interested in you being their photographer if you look attractive yourself.
- I'd stop feeling like I'll break things or if someone tries to pick me up (sometimes succeed too) then I won't worry as much about them hurting themselves, I love the idea of being light enough for people to lift off the ground because I am only 5 foot 2 in height as well.
Just a few bigger points I always tell myself when I am trying to lose weight as my own motivation..but it also proves I'm not ignorant towards it.
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