I had applied months ago to volunteer as a white shirt for i50, this role consisted of helping sell snacks, drinks and merchandise etc to the attendees and to check them in at the desk depending on your shift, I was put in check in but I helped to set up the tuck shop too but initially I didn't think I would be attending at all as I only found out I would be going a few weeks before hand when I received an e-mail confirming I had been accepted as a white shirt which made me nervous, anxious and excited.
I was very close to backing out in the week before i50 as I wanted to save my money and be able to put it towards more sensible options, but I did attend thanks to the support of my friends and I wasn't as terrified as the one shift I had done at i49, simply because I hadn't given in on that day and learned I enjoyed working at check in as it was basically data entry which is the career I'm looking for at the moment and I actually broke down minutes before I had started my shift that day too, but it also inspired me to try to staff i50 because the benefits in confidence was worth it.
As expected; my experience of staffing for i50 went smoother than I anticipated and I only felt nervous because I didn't want to let anyone down or make too many mistakes, I know we're only human but I always want to do my best and try not to hate myself if I do stumble a little as a result.
Check in was busy on the Thursday and Friday; I had managed to lose enough of my thumb nail to expose the skin and on the Friday my thumb was very painful and swollen as a result of Thursdays check in, but it got better and I loved meeting so many gamers and chatting with them while I checked them in, I felt bad if I couldn't sort a complication or they required the list that I didn't have and therefore had to pass them along to a more experienced staff member than myself, but I tried to make it up with speed and accuracy in checking everyone in without making a mistake.
I even enjoyed the set up of the tuck shop on the Thursday morning as it involved being efficient and productive by trying to set everything up to look right and be labelled correctly while also making it easier for the people working at the tuck shop throughout the event by making sure that stock could be accessed easily and prices were on show for them etc.
I had good company and could be left alone to do as I was instructed which I enjoyed the challenge of trying to do what I was asked within good time, I enjoy being kept busy and occupied and if I can be organised about it then even better.
As for the i50 when I was not staffing it was great, I had the opportunity to walk around with my DSLR and play with my 1.8/f 35mm lens I had purchased a few weeks beforehand and had wanted since I had got my DSLR as I loved what I could potentially produce with it and I could see my friends and get some hugs and chat time with them, sadly I had put myself in the middle of nowhere in terms of seating and friends would come to see me because I had no one I knew near me and no one at all sitting around or beside me either - oops.
The pub quiz was what I was most excited about, even if I had to be on check in I was happy to dress up because I actually loved the dress I bought and enjoyed wearing it, but I was off shift and could join my friend and his team of pandas for it in order to make up for sitting so far away from them.
I had a great time and the progesterone tablets I've been taking for about two weeks now have actually helped me in so many ways but mostly for my hard to control mood swings and hypersensitive emotions, I have previously taken anti depressants which made me more anxious and then tried anti anxiety tablets which then made me emotionless and numb physically too, but the progesterone tablets balance out my PCOS condition nicely and I am numb emotionally again but in a nice way because the emotions I do feel I know are more real now.
This made drinking a happier thing rather than an emotional roller coaster that would end crashing, I ended up apathetic towards things rather than depressed and I was a great deal happier with that result instead of anxiety attacks and tears in the end of the night over something that I'd feel sensitive over etc.
A few months ago I had upset a friend which ended with us not talking to each other anymore, I would see them at events we both attended and part of me ached to talk to them again; I had missed their company greatly but didn't know what to say or do, I didn't mean to upset them in the first place and at the time we had both upset each other and I had done something silly which I am now glad backfired on me, so very glad. I'm glad because I had the courage to speak to them during the pub quiz and we both couldn't help but cry and hug each other, I can say for myself that I was full of relief and happiness to have them back in my life as my friend and I'm welling up a little thinking about it now.
I had also wanted a hug from a different friend for a few months now; I made my mind up a while ago that I wanted to be hugged and not just hug people, I needed to know them better as it's pretty rude to hug people and they don't really know what to do other than hug back which resulted in making hugs almost meaningless and a cry for an urge to feel someone close to me which I didn't realise at the time to be why I liked hugging pretty much everyone for the last few years.
This person finally gave me the hug I had wanted a great deal and it may sound daft as hell, but I was so happy for it, it may be a sign of acceptance; that everything is okay between us and I'd put it in the form of a hug for all I know, but it was all I required and I now don't feel the need to feel sad at not being hugged, even if I never get hugged again by them it'll be fine.
One thing that did excite me especially was when I was doing my afternoon shift at check-in, I was busy helping people with their booking and I can't remember but think I was asked to give my friend something they needed to check their attendee in but it resulted in me having a quick glimpse at the person they were dealing with and I realised it was my best friend who I hadn't expected to come to i50 since they said they didn't intend to come to this one.
I embarrassed myself by letting a shriek of joy escape but it certainly perked my mood for the rest of the day to be able to see them again, despite knowing I'd see them in less than a week anyway and had seen them two weeks before as well.
Overall i50 was a great success and went unbelievably smooth for me personally, I couldn't have asked for more and felt like something had gone very right for once with no problems whatsoever. I took away experience and a bit more self confidence which will hopefully come in handy for looking for work as my anxiety reached it's peak a few weeks ago and I had been written off too mentally ill to work right now. This doesn't mean I won't look for work, but it does mean I've accepted I need to put these problems first before tackling multiple things at the same time and to stop trying to bite more off than I can chew and walk forward blindly, only to create more problems for myself.
Honestly there's no words for the appreciation and love I have towards all of my friends and the people who helped create the path that has led me here today. I don't want to think about the person I would be if I had not started walking this path, i50 would have been completely different and who knows if I would have even been aware of it either.
So much love <3 LAN has changed my life forever, no matter how bad it's been at times, the good has and always will prove to be there waiting as the reward.
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