[Personal] Social Anxiety

Social anxiety has been an awkward one for me, mixed with separation anxiety and borderline personality disorder; I am sometimes a mess simply put.

By default I feel people don't like me and if they don't talk to me at all online and don't talk to much much or make me feel like they avoid me in person then I feel like there's something I'm doing wrong to deserve this treatment, slowly I'm learning it's sometimes not me though and I do openly ask people sometimes whether they have a problem with me or not, if they choose to ignore my question or react badly to it then I feel bad and worry more as a result, but I do try to tell myself they could be busy and/or have forgotten too in the situation of ignorance and receiving no response.

I always try to stay as open as possible with people and honest, I respect peoples views and I like to learn about how other people work as well by fascination and curiosity, I don't judge but want to learn their reasoning and logic instead, if someone has said someone else has done something then fair enough I'm sure there's reason and logic to justify it and it's none of my business - it's up to them.

But with people in general I'm awkward; I think if I try to speak with people they'll judge me, they'll automatically dismiss me and that's my chance blown, if I try to approach it or 'win' them over then it's going to end up worse and I'm not the best at creating conversation with people, the questions I ask are blunt or straight forward to what I want to ask and I feel 'different' for behaving that way, I'll tell them how I feel but I've to the understanding that it's difficult to accept someone or something different from the usual, or even that people have come to be paranoid and in disbelief to others and question the sincerity in what they say and do, always thinking there's an alternate motive.

I want to be liked everyone, not necessarily friends but to know I'm liked and considered as a good person and as a friend with some respect added to it then I'm happy, it's a horrible feeling when someone you'd like to be friends with is treating you in such an obviously different way to others and you don't know how to approach them without making the situation worse; especially if you don't know why.

So this is my social life in a nutshell basically, I like everyone unless they've done or said something really bad involving me that has put me off, but it's very obvious when this happens.

I'm eager to learn from people and friends and sometimes I can be unafraid to ask how something they're talking about or they're interested in actually works and/or more background to it, so long as I feel I'm not being a problem in my curiosity to learn more about them and something else, I may not even be able to remember all they've said to me but that's not ignorance but a bad memory and attention span at times.

I'm black and white though when it comes to most things and with people if they don't like me then that's fine, I at least know this and will respect it, if I like them a little more than casually then it may hurt a bit, but I'll still move on and respect this if there's no way to change their opinion if they have their reasons.

If they do like me and friendship is formed then I'd rather not lose them and be sad if so, I have a fear of being alone I try to fight often and it's tough I admit, but I get by and I'm being taught to not put myself down by feeling weak when it overcomes me..but I'll always be there for my friends whenever they need me because they're always there for me <3. 

It's also difficult to offend or insult me, I'm easygoing in general and when mental issues aren't in the way then I don't mind nor care what people say and/or do, I'm casual about a lot of things.