I've been thinking about writing a blog about my recent brain fun times and then deciding against it but I've come to the conclusion and in the mood to actually write about the last week or so in my anxiety filled brain.
So the last five weeks I have been busy every weekend and I've enjoyed being busy even if it has been overwhelming; I've come to realise how I can appreciate my own time a bit better rather than be bored and just how much my mood swings can control my life.
In the last two, maybe three weeks now I've been on a progesterone tablet called Cerelle (75micrograms a day) and I've noticed my emotions feel more numb compared to usual; I have taken anti anxiety tablets in the past that numbed my emotions and I could feel nothing sexually or even have a release from it, so I felt stressed and uptight as well as paranoid instead and I could still think the same things I did when I was anxious, I can control the feelings that come with anxiety rather well unless triggered off so I stopped taking those as I was hurting my loved ones back then from being so apathetic.
Anyway, on this progesterone tablets I've noticed that for me to cry it's sporadic and I don't even feel the emotional build up towards it, I cried yesterday because I was feeling absolutely miserable about it being a year since my dog Rosie was put down and I had to write about it in order to think about it and then react to it.
Last weekend was Strat LAN and I cried a few times but only after I had been drinking, far as I remember I cried twice, maybe three times and hyperventilated once but thankfully stopped an anxiety attack from happening. On the plus side I wasn't depressed as a result of drinking and neither did I feel hypersensitive and emotional which tends to happen quite often at LAN's when I've been drinking and sometimes without touching a drop.
It felt good to cry under the influence of alcohol, it felt like I needed it and it was a relief to not need an emotional build up for it to happen as I try to avoid crying as it stings my sinus' but it didn't hurt to cry, it just felt like a relief and I didn't feel crappy the next day either which was also a relief.
I'm able to think a bit better and control my actions and words before I do and say them which has pros and cons to it. The pros is that I'm actually able to think more clearly and not rely on people or feelings as much, but there's more cons I fear than the pros.
The cons is that I'll be more harsh with people, I'll not feel upset, guilty or hurt as much and I'm a lot pickier about things as well as a result, if I can't have exactly what I'm looking for then sod it, depending on the situation, I feel I've become more heartless because I'm not feeling emotions that make me want to help people and bend over backwards for them.
This confuses me as I'm someone who loves and cares for multiple people but now if they hurt me or leave my life with insufficient good reasons then I'll just walk in the opposite direction instead of getting very upset about it which I suppose in some ways is better because it means I'm not thinking I'm below them and will do anything to make it better which is another thing I'm glad I'm not doing anymore now.
I'm stuck in the middle where I'll state my opinion and I'll get irritated by people more because I care less but I'm actually enjoying being more apathetic in regards to people using me and dicking about because I can just think of myself more instead, just like anyone else.
Another problem though is that I'm not sure what I want in life and now there's no emotions to cloud my thinking I'm able to wonder what I do want to do, I know data entry is my preferred job choice currently but I'd like to do something in psychology perhaps, yet my lack of understanding some people and some things is what makes me hesitant and what career I'd actually want from it.
Photography is a hobby for me and I don't have the confidence to be able to say I can produce a living out of the ideas and tech based knowledge to improve my pictures, I'm a bit of a naturalist when it comes to taking pictures, I may edit to improve the quality and lighting or turn it black and white or greyscale and such, but I won't go past my little knowledge in order to almost completely modify a picture I've taken, I'd like to believe I can capture lifes beauty through the eye of a lens and I have a suspicion that I'm being naive there.
At one point I wanted to work with animals but there's many years to dedicate towards it and I fear there's enough dog groomers and pet holiday homes etc and breeding being done that I wouldn't want to put myself in an unemployed and in debt situation for the cause so that's my least likely choice in career now sadly, I do love animals and I'd love to provide a breeding service for certain animals or take care of them etc.
One option I've loved the idea of but feel I could never pull off is baking; I love to bake but when I see and taste someone elses works I'm left thinking, "Well they just produced this and really outdone me, what makes me think I can make a career out of it when they do it so easily?" I almost feel mocked by it, especially as I don't go for generic cakes with icing decorations; I go for taste and quality etc.
Anyway enough about careers I think, they've been bugging me and I've been so unsure about it, recently I've been dealing with a group called iTalk that basically deal with mental issues and talking to someone, I'm crazy enough to be recommended to a person to person discussion next instead of group therapy which I've been avoiding and it was difficult to take the lid off the anxiety box in the hope someone will actually help and listen instead of make me feel disappointed.
All of this while moving to my own flat has been stressful and I've no idea how to deal with changing the name to mine for the bills, I think I've got it down to just the gas bill now but I keep raising questions regarding the electric and how the gas is actually paid since there's a card etc but I won't bore this blog entry with those details, only that I'm stressed about it because I hate having things left unsorted and not being able to do anything but wait and hope the problem isn't getting worse while I leave it to potentially sort itself out.
On top of this I'm worried sick that my weight is not going to go down once I move to my own place, I can't argue anything anymore and it's all down to me, I can't afford to go to the gym and it's an extra 30min walk on top of the 15-20 min walk previously and I'm not going to be able to afford the bus to there and back every day or every other day on top of that so I am forced to walk.
I've gained three stone this year and I can see I have which makes me feel miserable and hopeless; I can feel the difference both physically and in appearance and it's difficult not to loathe it, I've lost interest in hobbies, going out and even doing things I used to enjoy and I've hit my lowest point in insecurity in years to top it off; I won't believe what people tell me at all again and I argue with myself that people don't say things unless they mean it..usually.
<edited in> I forgot to mention I've started to become even more socially awkward, my brain goes quiet on me when I am talking to someone I'd like to get to know or meet new people and I'm left doing my own thing because I don't have something witty to say or how to present myself to be interesting and my brain answers this by telling me I can live without it all.
To top that off I've been wanting to find someone for the potential of a serious relationship but on the one dating site I've used so far I've found no one worth talking too and I've not found anyone to be my type in the ideal physical side of things either which leaves me a bit hopeless, generally the appearance doesn't matter so long as they have long hair and not skinny though, sometimes I can even deal with short hair! So long as I can get awesome cuddles then personality definitely overcomes anything else and intelligence, preferably can make me laugh, easygoing and looks out for me but I guess that's my own prince charming? except I can't stand it when people are charming, I don't trust it, can it be my prince cuddly instead? </edit>
Christmas is coming up and I completely forgot as I've been spending so much time doing other things and being away from the Christmas music and the feels that I've just not had any reason to keep track of it, and now it's less than two weeks away and I've got nothing for it, the biggest enjoyment and feel for Christmas for me is to be around my loved one/s and give them presents, I don't think about myself but I care a great deal and hope the presents I've chosen are good ones, I also love to wrap them and have several presents arrive in the mail at once or come home with bags of presents, there's just something great in being able to justify buying them for others and not me.
That's about it for this rant blog, as usual I won't read it back to myself but I'll feel better to get my mind clutter out in the open which helps me organise it too, there's always more to add but it's bad enough already.
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