Since moving in I feel my life has changed, it may be due to the progesterone tablets I'm on as well though as they take away my emotions apart from the odd emotion such as anxiety, hurt and butterflies it seems, the tablets have also dulled my nymphomania but at the same time I'm capable of thinking how I feel and I avoid drinking whisky due to it making me hypersensitive as if there's a lid on my emotions that only whisky can open and it's a terrifying feeling so I stick to vodka which still lets me feel the same while on the tablets, but I can have a good cry or anxiety attack without reason and I'm okay with that.
But I'm grateful for the tablets even if they make me feel very different and mess my hormones around in the process, I think I'd be more scared of living alone than I currently am.
During the day I am fine, I enjoy being on my own and I think it's because it sounds like there's life happening around me, as soon as it's dark though I start to feel alone and I don't know what to do, I try to play games I'd happily play while people are at mine over the weekends but I lack the motivation, I try to watch things I'd usually watch as well and it sometimes works but I feel terribly unproductive no matter what I do and I'm not sure why.
I'm currently budgeting to be able to live, putting money aside for future bills coming out of my account and buying furniture when paid or when I sell things so my guests can be more comfortable and also so I have them in the flat and don't need to worry about it in future either. I have resorted to putting money towards the flat and bills to avoid debt and avoid getting into trouble just so I can get on my feet.
I can't get a job at the moment but with the help of my partners and friends I have been able to finalise my CV so it's ready for jobs when the time comes, but until then I'm on a waiting list to see a therapist and I'm trying my hardest not to look down on myself and try harder, ignore my problems and charge onwards in ignorance to the problems I've developed in the last few years, I keep telling myself I'm fine and I am capable of working if I ignore those problems but with the last job I had, it proved me very wrong and the people my Doctor made me seek help from have told me to just wait basically and in the meantime sort myself out until they can start solving these problems with me.
But at home at night I feel alone and that's a major problem for someone with separation anxiety and borderline personality disorder, I've been experiencing insomnia lately and I thought I'd never get that due to the fact I've always been alright with getting to sleep, I feel ok when I go to bed then I'm wide awake, tossing and turning and trying to find a position I'll relax and fall asleep quickly but it feels like some thing's hiding from me in my head and keeping me awake, I don't want to read a book or get out of bed because I'm determined to try and sleep but I'll wake up several times once I do fall asleep at 2-3am usually and end up lacking sleep by trying to get up around 9-10am if I wake up around then but I feel anxious and alone because I guess it's the same reason I start fearing the night time; it doesn't feel like the world around me is awake and buzzing at this point.
Weekends are fine, I have friends round for the weekends and I'm picky to have the right people I feel comfortable with staying here otherwise it's not fair on both people if I let them come round but I treat them rudely. Living down south means I'm away from almost all my friends so they have to visit for weekends or overnight stays depending when they work, so I'm trying to find things productive to do during the week so I don't feel like I'm wasting time during the week trying to make time go quicker, I feel guilty for it and want to do something properly productive and respectful such as having a job, but with my lack of experience in jobs I fear having a full time job in case I can't handle it, so I am only looking for data entry jobs as they keep me busy and feeling productive, I can't have a part time job while living here as it would be putting me in a more stressful position than currently.
So yeah, this has been my life while living here, I feel I'm losing track of time as well, losing my grip of reality and knowing what's going on around me because I don't want to spend money going out because I can put it to other good uses such as adding to my electric ans gas meters, or more food stocked in for guests and to make sure I'm comfortable in case of financial emergencies happening and taking all my money etc. I fear getting into debt and not being able to climb out of it, I want to make sure I'm above it so I can focus on paying back debts to friends even if it will take a long time due to the small amounts I'll be able to spare.
I even try to listen to podcasts, watch things and listen to music so I have voices around me for company :/.
References in case you're unaware of a few longer words or conditions mentioned in this blog:
Nymphomaniac
Separation Anxiety
Borderline Personality Disorder
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