Since the fire in my flat just over two weeks ago now, I've come to realise I'm growing afraid to do things in general and wanting to hide for the rest of the year and not do anything other than what I feel is sorting my life out.
Things have changed from a maybe and yes, to a maybe and a no. Things I was wanting to do or would do previously have now become scary and something I want to hide from, I'm limited in my choices in what I want to do in my life for any reason due to money and whenever I buy a takeaway or buy something I didn't plan for or is for me, I get stressed and panicky and feel guilty for it afterwards.
All LAN's and events I want to attend in the future just feel and seem too much for me to handle, it's a lot more expensive now I'm too old for discounts on train travel and I try to rely on myself because when my parents have passed away I only have myself to rely on.
It also feels like it costs too much to do anything without a few months of saving for it because of this reason and because I'm left with about £25-50 a fortnight to myself after bills and food etc goes out of my account, the only bill that feels like a luxury is my pay asyou go phone which is the same every month and really cheap compared to contract.
I've developed a habit of weighing things out too, do I need that takeaway? not really, it contributes towards putting weight on when I'm already struggling with that and I could use the money to buy an upcoming birthday present or Christmas etc and feel much better about it as a result.
Speaking of food, that has become an enemy as well. I don't want to eat anything any more because I have to be so careful with the bypass because it's very limiting on types of food you can eat. I am seeing a dietician in a few weeks though so hopefully I'll be able to get some direction to what I can eat that I actually like and doesn't cause me any problems, I'm getting fed up of seeing my weight go up because I've had too much of something no matter how careful I am. I try to walk where I can and because I see no improvements in my weight I'm seeing it as something I can't be bothered with any more,my hips hurt a lot when I walk because of the three stone I've put back on, and it feels like a endless struggle. I'm too nervous and insecure to go to the gym or swimming and I can't afford it anyway.
My insecurity has come back big style,I used to be slimmer and I never really came to terms with the weight I had lost back then, I still felt big despite dropping 10 sizes and losing 6 stone, I felt a bit better and a bit confident abut myself, but I could never accept it and still saw the signs of obesity that I'd always struggled with, I couldn't realise that I was over halfway there and how much difference every stone lost would make in my appearance because my body was always adjusting to the rapid weight loss and then I started to gain it after it caught up with me.
I have debts to friends I want to pay back, but with the money I have left to myself each fortnight I know it's going to take a long time and I know I can't spend money on myself really any more, I had hoped I could've stayed at my parents for a few more months so I could pay my debts back four or five times faster than I'm now stuck at, but it was far too stressful to stay there for several reasons.
Even my guinea pigs I'm seeing as too stressful now, they were to keep me company as I suffered from insomnia from moving into my own place for the first time and they did work and help for me, but now that I'm not struggling as much on sleeping I'm finding that the guinea pigs could be looked after better by someone else, I struggle to maintain the effort required to clean them every two days and I can't help but feel I could be saving £10-20 a month from maintaining them and put it towards paying friends back as well.
I just want to shift my debts and I do look for data entry jobs, but they are really limited in this area and I don't get any responses either. I rarely feel any emotion and I think it's down to stress and pressuring myself, I feel like I could be seen as ungrateful towards my boyfriend and lovers and would rather disappear for a while so they can forget about me for a while and move on, everything and everyone becomes a potential temptation for me to spend money I should put towards debt, I don't deserve to go out to LAN events, look after pets and buy games and comfort food when I should be using that money to pay my debts back and birthday/Christmas presents, I get a lot of satisfaction knowing I've been able to buy presents for someone instead of saying I'm too poor.
This is a very negative rant and for that I apologise, I realise there's very simple solutions to the problems I have and I am trying to fight and make things better, but it's very hard and so very easy to hide right now. As always, it feels like I've unloaded some clutter from my brain to know it's out here and I can refer to my thoughts in a blog.
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