I'm always telling myself to be stronger, don't give in, don't show emotions, don't be clingy, don't be soppy, be independent, rely on myself etc. Yet at the same time I'm always conflicting all of this and more, just by not being strong enough at times and giving up in different ways to each problem when it gets too much, I think you can tell already. It also makes me impulsive and reckless at times.
Weight
I remember back in 2009 when I had my gastric bypass, it was exciting and life changing at the time, then a month later I met the guy who would change me for life and I'd live with for three years as well, I lost six stone in weight within six months, then struggled to keep it down. I didn't particularly try hard, although I did walk more than ever. I never realised just how much difference that weight loss did for me, since it took several more months for my body to show that loss due to the speed of it.
Now I've gained three stone since then and I have my own place, I am trying to limit what I eat and make sure it's healthier, but I hate myself if I give in at all. I don't have crisps or sweets or snacks in my flat and I kicked in my frozen food habit as well, but I am trying to shrink my stomach size down and it's hard. I don't taste much of the baking I do either, I sample it and sell or give the rest away.
Exercise I find frustrating too, the closest gym is a 35-40 minute walk away from me and even then I've never been there. I've asked a family member to take me with her when she takes her kids, but that was weeks ago, I had hoped she would go sooner than that. I'm too afraid to go to the gym on my own and the same goes with the swimming pool, I know I'll be okay after the initial trip to the swimming pool though and would see where it goes from there on. I've even asked the Doctor about discounts on membership, but months after and I've not had any contact about it, despite asking every visit and hearing the same thing.
Now my coxis is playing up again after gaining a few pounds quickly, I feel larger than I have done in years and loathe it, yet I hate going outside and I hate walking to places I've been before. I do have some insoles for my trainers that will hopefully make long walks more endurable and will be useful when I attend MCM next week too.
But right now walking is the only thing that doesn't hurt my coxis, sitting in most positions hurts it, and bending, it's my left hip as well that is also hurting and I don't know how to fix such agony, I know the Doctor will simply say I need to lose weight.
I've thought about Weight Watchers, but my nan took me to all sorts of weight loss clubs such as Weight Watchers and Slimming World when I was a kid and I hated it, it was boring and I saw no point in it because my nan would just give up a week or two later and I'd end up disappointed. I also loathed microwave Weight Watcher meals.
If food could be as simple as being given a calorie sheet for simple meals and foods you could make, then sure I may give it a go, but with such a wide scale of food variety it's difficult to get a grip with.
I have plenty of incentive to lose weight, I really do. Mostly it's acceptance and vanity; if I look good to people then they'll accept me and I'll feel better for it and more confident about myself until I don't rely on it any more. Being able to wear any clothes and feel good about it is also a great thing to imagine. I would also like to know what I actually look like, but none of this is enough for me to get up and go, I have no patience for it and just can't be bothered I think, that's the only thing that makes sense and I know it's a terrible thing to think and feel about it.
If someone tries to force me into changing my lifestyle then I am then terrified of the person and the situation, I have to do it myself. If I lived near friends who went to the gym then I would be happy to go along with them, but I'm convinced my diet is ok. They do say the gastric bypass makes life living hell to maintain your weight after your body adjusts, yet my friend is struggling to not die from malnutrition and is forced to gain weight as a result from the bypass. I can't even throw my food up and therefore have stretched my stomach with the help of the bad food and drink I shouldn't have but wasn't being trained not to have or touch.
I'm getting fed up of my body, typing this right now I find awkward because my boobs are just in the way and annoying, I don't want to be leaning across myself to be typing, I want to be able to ignore they're there like I used to be able to do, only a few weeks ago.
My thighs are bigger again which is causing chafing and I choose not to buy bigger clothing so I learn my lesson to lose weight again, again it's tough though, since most my clothes don't fit me any more, I hate how fat my face has become again and how squinty my eyes have become again, forcing me into becoming the fat blob I used to be and hate; no one finds that attractive.
Acceptance
I've come to the conclusion that I rely on being accepted by those I care or love. If I'm in a hall with people I know then I seem to feel like the loneliest person in the world for the first few hours and not feel accepted at all by any of them until I settle down and people start relaxing I guess, then the ones I worry about not feeling accepted with are left to be people who make me feel anxious.
If I get drunk and they upset me then I am then prone to panic attacks, the last time this happened was only two weeks ago when I felt helpless whether my friend was okay or not, without feeling accepted by them I then self harmed to calm a panic attack down as I did not want to be loud and disturb people and I just wanted to know my friend was okay so much that it emotionally hurt. I know it sounds stupid, it must sound like attention seeking but I'm being honest with how my brain works here.
I used to rely on being able to kiss someone as a form of acceptance and it did work and make me happy, to some extent I still try to achieve this with people, to be able to kiss them and not go any further than that makes me happy because my brain tells me that if they're willing to do that, then they're absolutely fine with me. If they change their tone and start objectifying me then I freak out instead, I guess it's partially a test without realising it.
I'm going through the process of working out how I can go about this needing to be accepted though, at the moment it seems to work if I just isolate myself and avoid talking to the person as it just hurts otherwise, I don't know what to say to them and if I am persistent then it just hurts even more.
Once I love someone or have strong feelings for them, I don't seem to let go if I don't feel accepted, I always feel like a puppy wanting attention and always following their owner when it comes to relating to this feeling, but it's true. There's one person I annoyed so much in the past from wanting them to forgive me for snapping at them just to make things okay again, that he removed me from everything and never spoke to me again. I don't feel I was in the wrong for simply calling him two faced, but then there's always two sides of a story.
If I'm worried about someone and feel I can see past their wall, then I will continue worrying, caring and loving for them until I know they're okay, but I control that worrying unless I'm with them in person, where I can't help but keep an eye on them and only wish I could help but just make things worse by annoying them so much they push me away completely. This seems to be a pattern and I always try to learn and get better about it, whether it's by treating the situation with more care, or by knowing when to stop caring before it's too late. I never forget those people though, I never gain closure from it.
I also try to keep an eye on anyone I care about, not just the ones I seek acceptance from or love. I try not to be selfish in that I'll complain about stuff a lot and make blog entries like these. I'm not great at spotting when someone wants someone to be by their side or use as a shoulder, but I'm always there for anyone when they need support from a friend. In a selfish way it makes me feel better too.
To be fair, the people I do love and care for but push me away are the ones I just can't give up on until they hurt me enough times to realise I'm just being an idiot by trying too hard and simply accept the fact they don't want me there any more. Sometimes I just put myself down and remove myself from their lives because it feels like I'm making things worse and never tell them this, because it hurts too much to sit there quietly and just keep an eye on them with the occasional words spoken between us and no progress and not wanting to lose them again.
Relationships
So I came out of an open relationship about two weeks ago, I realised I can't handle relationships any more as my brain gives me expectations I have to meet by default, it creates its own rules and I have no choice but to work around them as much as I can, because it's a third party in the relationship. I couldn't handle the fact my boyfriend was happy with just me, I couldn't accept that and it felt wrong, I know something is okay when they are doing the same things as I am, this is partially related to a previous relationship too.
I also realised that I was in love with one person more than anyone else, and I adopted their views on relationships as I could see the sense in them. It wasn't intentional, but it worked well with me as well as them and I couldn't see the point in getting married except for financial gain, and I'd ruled out having children over a year ago.
I don't have any value to myself to be able to feel like I'm giving someone something valuable in return for the freedom they're giving me in return, I'm happier with us both having freedom by not committing to a relationship at all because I know how both of us feel, and I know that if either of us fall in love with someone else then that is no different to loving friends and family.
You can love multiple people in your life, how much for each person is up to you but it's very much possible, you just need to have trust and faith in yourself and in them and know that they don't need to reassure you about it because you know they do, and nothing has gone wrong in the time you've known them because you get on so well. I believe that is true love; to have the ability to have both your freedom and ability to love and be loved.
There's no disrespect to people who do believe in monogamy, marriage and children etc though, I am agnostic in religion and will show respect, there's no wrong or right here, it's what people feel happiest in believing.
I've wondered whether poly people like myself are a bit of a lost soul; we have been hurt so much in the past that we've given up with tradition and just want to be free, want to believe in what we want, love who we want and be who we want to be without any chains attached any more.
Rape
Here's a fun one! This has been on my mind for some time now since I came to accept that I was raped by someone two years ago, I felt trapped and guilty about it because I felt I deserved it, I was in the wrong for not giving the person what they wanted in the first place and it wouldn't have gotten to that if I had just been a better person to them and I couldn't talk to anyone about it because I didn't want them to judge the person, because it was my fault. I won't go into details.
Two years later and I still have issues with getting too close to someone physically and emotionally. There's one person in my life who I referred too earlier in the relationships subject, I'll call him my safe person because that's what he is to me. Some people can be as safe to me as he is, but it's very limited and I'm uncomfortable with it, it's nothing they've done to cause it either.
What happens if someone hugs or kisses me more than a few times a day is that I'll block them out without realising, once I know how I feel for them my brain will very much turn off and want them to go away until I'm okay again. It's horrible because it's not what I want, but if they touch me to much or give me to much affection (Trust me, it doesn't take a lot to trigger it) then I will flinch, freak out and hate myself while pushing them away and not want them to be around or go in my own shell.
This is a result from that incident that I chose to accept and realise what happened, rather than put it behind me and say it's ok like the previous two rapes before that with different people and years before it.
From this, I also realised why I'm nervous about being in a car with someone alone and this may be a bit too much info, but also why I panic when I'm not on top when it comes to in the bedroom. It was completely subconscious until I realised why I would feel awkward. Sometimes I'd be okay though, but if someone tries to spoon or cuddle me without my invitation then I will also freak out, or if I feel they're wanting some form of intimacy with me when it's bedtime it'll make me on edge until I know they're asleep.
This may be related to my need to be accepted by people, who knows? Maybe I feel like if someone accepts me with a kiss then that's good enough and I'll be reassured by this that I'm not so bad.
Photography and baking
So I've gotten better at both photography and baking in the last few weeks I feel, although I don't edit my pictures due to laziness to get software and wanting specific software, I still give it a go but get paranoid whether the pictures I've taken are good or not. I rely on friends who have a better eye for it to let me know, so I know what I need to aim toward and surpass.
The way I learn is to do and then ask questions or research later if I think of something or find something difficult to achieve that I want to create. That's always been my way with everything and sometimes I learn quicker with things than others.
As someone with no confidence this can be problematic and easy for me to start doubting myself and 'giving up' because I'm nowhere near good enough to make a living out of the pictures I take, or even watermark my own pictures which is a sign of professionalism to me.
I recently came into a little bit of money and bought some extension tubes, tabletop lights and a light box, I was so excited at what I could now do, that I actually felt sick and giddy and started to put myself down so I would come back to earth. Since then, I've been stuck in that mindset and doubting myself, not wanting to go out and go on long walks to take pictures of things close up that could look amazing, because I just don't think I can do it and I know I need to fight this and just go out there and do it anyway.
Baking has become surprisingly more popular again in my life too, I feel I need to focus more on unique savoury snacks after my cheese straws became popular, I've started to come up with ideas for different varieties and flavours in the hopes of making a small income to be able to afford more photography gear and better baking tins etc as a result of this. I also doubt myself about it though, as my biggest critics are my grandparents and my grand dad is especially honest if he doesn't like my baking, which turns out to be almost everything so far.
Stress, nosebleeds, panic attacks and depression itself
In the last few weeks I've been getting nose bleeds when I've stressed myself out more than usual, sometimes I don't even realise I've gotten far enough to cause it, but it happens about 3-4 times a week now, maybe more, maybe less. It's a first for me but I don't feel it's a threat, just a bit of a shock.
Panic attacks have become more often and more easily triggered, I think this is from realising what I think I feel about life or about someone sometimes, or just generally being panicked by something.
Depression is an easy one. I'm not able to feel what I used to feel in life. I'd wake up and know/feel it was a type of day and enjoy it as a kid and mid teens, but I never get that now, sometimes when things feel surreal I can feel it a little, but it feels like I depended on those feelings to shape my life into something a little more exciting.
Now I'm just waiting for life to throw things at me while I plod along, unable to end my own life and unable to do anything about it, while also believing there's no point in making something of life when we don't even know what comes after it and there's nothing but what we feel and believe in that drives us through it and what we choose to make of it for ourselves, no one or anything else but ourselves and what makes us happy. I've sadly come off of that path, but it's nice to be distracted from it at times and be happy about something.
Depression does cause me to do things like these blog entries, I don't feel like I'm being judged for expression my views, thoughts, opinions and feelings, but if I am then it's not my problem for being as honest as I am.
Conclusion
I'm not looking for sympathy here, far from it. If anything it would be nice to know I'm not alone and not to feel like someone is telling me off, or treating me like a child. I'm simply writing all the things bothering me right now, again. Getting a job is still completely out of the question unless I can manage some freelance data entry work, or sell food or pictures, the latter being the most doubtful.
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