This time it's addressing the issues I have with intimacy, as well as some others things I've mentioned in previous blog entries.
Abandonment
So this fear started as I was a sprog and onwards. I'm afraid of my friends and loved ones befriending/abandoning me when I love them in whatever way. If I feel ignored then I'll panic, seeking acceptance with people is important to me as well, since I'll generally put myself down a lot and not see any value in my personality and appearance.
This is a fear that I think is related to the fact my grandparents adopted me at 6 weeks and I saw my mother regularly, it was confusing and conflicting to grow up with. Love for my grandparents, but also feeling neglected and questioning why I was in that situation and seeking the attention and acceptance of my mother which I never received.
It's important to know who I can always seek for support and to feel appreciated when feeling low too, but with deep trust issues that becomes very difficult to achieve.
Worthlessness is a favourite with this. I think perhaps the deep shock of my abrupt end of my first relationship hadn't helped, I didn't know why I felt so paranoid of losing my ex until it was a self fulfilling prophecy, but when it happened it was difficult to come to terms with, and I lost all value for myself for being a bad person, which also made me dependent on peoples impressions of me and made me seek to improve and eliminate any clingy thoughts and feelings I had, since that put people off; people didn't want to be depended on for emotional support when needed, especially not in the teenage years.
This has also led to me leaving my relationships first when I start to see my partner is better off without me, I can't deal with pressure and expectations I put on myself and/or they put on me as well, where as many years ago I would be completely different and want to meet those expectations. I neither want to become engulfed in a relationship, only to be hurt again by the end of it in some way, I think I do it to myself to avoid it ultimately.
Paranoia
So all this lead to feeling paranoid about what was wrong or right and if I was taking something too far or not far enough. I wanted to know how people felt about me so I could improve on the things they'd say were annoying, irritating or anything negative so that I could be a better person who could be accepted by people. This isn't to say I knew what I wanted to be accepted for or by who either, I only wanted to be better.
I still get moments where it overwhelms me and leads to panic attacks. I'll be concerned over friends and how they feel, whether they're putting a wall up and hiding in their shell, or whether the feelings I'm getting from them are just from over-thinking about things and caring too much. That's the jist of it anyway.
This also causes me to worry a lot, sometimes too much and it all leads to panic attacks at the end of the day.
Vulnerability
Feeling vulnerable is related to many of my fears really. I feel exposed if I'm getting attention as I feel I am then on the spot and expected to do something of some variety depending on the situation. If I'm confident about what I'm doing and/or feeling then I am dandy and enthusiastic without much worry at all.
If I feel vulnerable in any way then I want to avoid it as much as possible and never return to it, depending on the situation and/or person. This goes the same for when I am not in control of a situation, I will freak out and back out of it because my brain goes splat. Even ordering from a menu or being asked what I want to eat or drink or do will become a difficult question.
Expectations
When I feel someone has expectations out of me, no matter how little or big; I will back away and sometimes freak out from it. I cannot deal with the pressure and I think this is partially OCD in wanting to do things right, organise things correctly and do things properly without error and make sure people are happy with it, but mostly that I'm happy with it. I'm not happy with myself, so if someone thinks I'm better than I think I am, I therefore have an expectation on my shoulders that I feel I have to meet at my level. It may not even be an expectation someone actually has of me, but to me I will feel like I have to meet the one I've created or feel is there.
There has been times where I've felt happier and that I was meeting the expectations, but it's a sensitive balance where if someone doesn't want me to do something because of even the smallest and simplest of reasons, I will immediately go back into my shell and become the complete opposite and push them away unconsciously.
Confliction/Self loathing
Confliction is what goes on in my head most of the time. "I really crave a sweet right now" then make the 20 minute walk to the supermarket and buy that sweet after much debating and questioning whether I want that one sweet. If I give in to it then I hate myself for it and think just how much better off I would be if I put that £1 towards healthier food or for something better in general.
Sometimes I'll completely rage and just eat something because I've stopped caring, then hate myself afterwards when I knew exactly how I'd feel before doing whatever it was and not having something to break that cycle.
Another one is if I don't do something and wuss out of it, I'll constantly tell myself how stupid and weak I am for not doing whatever it is as it is against my life moto of that you only live once and should take opportunities in it etc.
Independence/Strength
I strive for independence and strength and always have done since I was sixteen. I've had experiences and relationships which have driven me to try harder to obtain it, it has changed me a great deal in the process and sometimes I hold a grudge because it feels like it has gone too far sometimes when I wish I could be who I used to be in the nicer aspects, such as being able to be affectionate, snuggly and just happy with someone and accepting them easier.
I am not sure how independent and strong I am currently, as I believe there's a difference between being brave and strong etc. I am certainly not stupid when it comes to feelings when they don't get the better of me as I write this blog to express my thoughts and feelings which do a world of good for my head, if they build up then I do lash out spitefully and regret it.
Acceptance
This one's a fun one. I am always dependent on being accepted by people. If they come to me then I know I'm accepted, if I am going to them and just not getting anything or much in return, then I will always strive to seek it and at worse, I'll want to kiss them because I've developed some feelings for them in my quest to seek that acceptance. Once I know everything is dandy I will almost always accept the situation and trust it, then move on.
Evidently this is related to not wanting to be abandoned by people and not accepted by them because I'm not good enough in some way, if it's physically then I just seem to hate myself more and hate even more on top of that because I just don't seem to do much about it because I also feel I should be able to be accepted for who I am.
I suppose with this blog I seek acceptance from the people who know me, and it has unintentionally worked with a few people and it leaves me feeling happier, as well as embarrassed.
If I do or say something stupid, especially when drinking and with someone I'm getting to know still, then I hate myself more than ever and avoid the person despite really wanting to fix my mistake and be on better terms with them.
Intimacy
This is the last one, and also the biggest reason to the whole blog entry this time.
So the loved ones in my life are super important to me, I'll do anything for them in order to make sure they're happy and I'll become a mother wolf if someone is hurting them or using them in some way, I'll make sure I can be a shoulder for them if I can be and trust they'll come to me otherwise. I watch from the shadows most of the time and do my own thing so I don't bother them in the meantime and know they're doing alright.
Basically, this link words a lot of how I feel and think. I have been raped three times in the past and each one was worse than the other. I'm becoming better about being open about it, although I try not to mention it and become better than it, it's difficult though once you accept it after years of hiding it all. There's some occasions where I've felt so guilty about people not getting what they want that I've given in, but I wouldn't count them as rape as it's a strong word.
This has developed intimacy issues for me though, I have discovered that if I am sleeping in the same bed as someone and we've left with a small enough gap for me to keep waking up and/or having to be careful when I turn to my other side to sleep on, then I am too close to them and will start to feel anxious about being in such close proximity.
If someone's hugging me that I'm not comfortable with, I will freak out on the inside a bit. If I hug them and/or I'm comfortable with them then I enjoy it when it's not too much, if I'm around quite a few people at the same time then it gets a bit too much though.
As a poly person, if I have feelings for someone then once I've come to the point of confession and have done so, I seem to hurt them by then moving on after accepting and confessing. I get back into my shell of fearing too much intimacy and expectations, especially if they return those feelings and I feel overwhelmed by them. I think I put myself down immediately if they seem happy/have mutual feelings and that's why I move on after spending good times with the person or people, I have a theory that it could be a fear of rejection and being prepared for it by walking away after gaining closure of at least being honest, sometimes I can't help it if I still feel for them and want their attention though, it's a complicated one and slightly off topic for this blog entry.
I can even be fine on a sexual level and enjoys everything about them, but once that feeling kicks in then I seem to get anxious if they are touching me too much for me to feel comfortable with, I feel it's all I'm worth and all they want and just back away, no matter how much I argue with myself about it, this has also ruined my libido.
It makes it difficult to get to know people if they are over friendly with me, I seem to work on a level where I go to them rather than they go to me, I feel like a cat when comparing myself in this way, as they will come home when they feel like it, and you have to wait on them. It's not completely intentional or meant in a bad way, but it's how I seem to get to know if someone is worth trusting or not now, it takes a long time but once I feel safe with them then it's extremely difficult for me to let go of the person because I've accepted them into the deepest reaches of my heart, and yet I still guard it. This doesn't mean people just sit and wait though, they do need to check up on me now and then as it's reassuring, I give up if I am the one doing all the greeting and conversation.
If I am upset then I will only go to the right people about it, if it's at any type of event then I will prefer to be alone even with friends around me, because I can't trust they know how to handle with what's going on in my head and what I want without me even realising it. It takes a lot for them to know me well enough for me to trust them with how my mind's working before or during a panic attack; it's very easy to make it worse very quickly.
It gets lonely and I think that's why I seek acceptance, when I'm around lots of friends but not gaining any attention from the ones I'm not completely 100% with, then I feel hopeless, hurt and upset, sometimes it's a panic as well as I don't know what to do to try and feel better about it and join in more, I think it's an attention thing to gain reassurance I hate to admit. I used to resort to booty calls because they involved no messy feelings and no affection, the rules were simple and no expectations were to be had either, it was a straight forward acknowledgement I could handle, but I realised it was probably going to be something I'd regret once I started getting my head round my problems.
I have started to grow fond of my own company and learnt to let go a little bit, I hope this develops into more creativity flow as a result.
End
I think that's it for this blog entry, it got a lot bigger than I intended and I tried to separate it more into subjects to make it easier to read, I even took breaks from it over a two hour period. I'm shattered though and tomorrow will be a hair dye day, so maybe a happier blog entry tomorrow!
I think these blogs help me break down the guard I seem to have put up, I'm just not sure where to start so I just go straight for the middle of it first.
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