[Personal Rant] Safety friends.

Why the hell do I function the way I do? I know no one can really answer that, but it's definitely what I'll keep asking myself!

I'm wondering why is it that once I love someone I simply cannot let go of them afterwards once I've given them a lot of trust. I can get over people but care for them to some extent when the trust hasn't gone too deeply, but one it has it seems I've signed part of my soul over to them for the rest of my life. The bigger the trust, the bigger the part of me that I lose with them.

It's horrible, truly horrible. I want to reach out to them and appreciate my love for them and their love for me, this can be with a partner or a friend, it doesn't matter because they are the same feeling with me. When threatened to lose them, I'm a wreck and nothing else is more important than not losing them, if I fail and it happens then I'm even worse off, it's a continuous torture every single day, sometimes worse or better than others but I'll never forget about them and will always yearn for them in some way and some extent.

I try not to be clingy but this situation is an exception because it takes so long and so much time for me to start trusting and looking up to someone. I'm always putting myself down, always worrying, stressing out and panicking over all sorts of things, they help take the edge away and keep me sane and alive, just by being them and there for me as I am for them.

If I'm safe around someone and I'm going to them more than they go to me, then everything is great because it's the one escape I have from everything in life and in my brain.

I don't think I'm a threat or a problem to people and my friends. I'm pretty simple and honest with my thoughts, feelings and questions, even when I don't know how to word them sometimes and struggle with explaining what I mean and want to be believed in what I say to them, I wish there was a way to share feelings in order to make someone understand what I'm trying to say and feel and how genuine it is. I'm forgetful and if I say something then I'm likely to forget it, but it's nowhere near intentional.

It hurts, it's so painful when I feel I've broken my relationship with that person. I want to fix it but I don't know how, I've never been good at solving puzzles, but desperately want to try until it's too late and I've completely lost them in whatever way. It always depends on the person and situation, but even the nastiest of them I still miss and wish we were on speaking terms, I'm not even sure why any more.

I don't want people to ask if I'm okay and care for me when I'm sad/upset. I want to deal with things on my own unless I go to someone and ask for their help or support myself. It just annoys me and winds me up when someone tries to be helpful, as ungrateful as it sounds, it's just me being honest that I can't appreciate concern unless I know I need to go to someone about it. I find it comforting to rely on myself until that point, and that's why the people who are closest and safest to me are so important.

Why do people seem to think I can just go to them whenever I feel sad or mopey? I see that as a sign of weakness and I've taught myself to fight this unless I actually need someone to go too. It puts me off if someone is caring too much for me by asking if I'm okay and checking up on me almost every day, if not every day. I'm not a child and I can take care of myself.

It's irritating me more and more as of late, and I'm getting irritable from it. I want to be left alone or treated casually when I'm not asking for that help. I don't want to feel like I need to be taken care of, because I know nothing can be done and they can't help me, I'm one of those people that need to do things them self, sometimes the situation changes this, but the majority of situations lead to this; I prefer to chat with friends than be concerned about unless you're aware you're a safety net for me.

I don't know how or why I work this way, I just do. I can't cope with being disappointed and hurt by the ones I truly trust either, and there's only two people that have that status in my life currently. It took them a long time to get there and I don't believe it was their intention, it was completely up to me

Once I start trusting someone, it's a very rocky path before it becomes stable with me. I get paranoid and push them away in some form because it means potentially getting hurt and leading up to that same soul destroying stage once they're past the point of no return. It's getting scary to let anyone get that close to me now and I'd rather be alone.

Rant over.