[Personal Rant] I try

I try so hard to make myself better, to be accepted and to change for the best. But when I'm in moods like the current one I've had for a good few hours now, it's impossible to regain that strength until it regains by itself.

So full of self hate, a spiral of wanting to go to the gym, eat better and have enough income to go to the gym and do something about it, yet at the same time I just don't, best I can do is maintain what I eat and at least change that lifestyle, it's hard though.

The times where I'd benefit from weight loss the most to be loved and appreciate physically as well as by personality, are the times that I really suffer and wish I would actually do something to lose weight again, because it was great when I was at my lowest, I just didn't appreciate it enough.

Now I just hurt and cry, it's a deep hurt, so deep that my usual mood of numb feelings is affected by this insecure hurt where little reminders just make it worse and I feel shit, I don't want to exist because I feel weak, make excuses and whine about it like this, I should do something about it instead because that's the only solution, but right now I just emotionally hurt like mad and feel so ugly and shit. This is why I don't want children.

I'm never happy with myself, never. I don't want a relationship because of this, I always put myself down and don't meet expectations. I don't know what I want in life, or what I can do or want to do.. it really sucks and it really hurts, it's what sets off panic attacks the majority of the time. If people overwhelm me with their feelings/love/care then I back away, I'm not good enough to return what they give me, and I want to hide in my shell instead and come to them when I want/need to do so.

Sigh.