So this time I ask myself why my brain continues to control me from the back seat of my mind.
Why does it insist on manipulating me when or after I've found a little piece of pie that makes me incredibly happy, that makes me feel like my life has taken a new turn and I can start to see the world a little bit differently than somewhere that makes me feel like I shouldn't exist and the blades I use to self harm are the only thing that I can always confide in without feeling paranoid and putting myself down as a result.
I feel I'm always changing, myself or my life, both get changed eventually. Always trying to improve, be better, be liked and accepted. But sometimes I want to be selfish and if I'm enjoying someone or something, then I'd appreciate it if my brain didn't then think ahead of every 'what if, but maybe' that the person or situation may think or happen, instead of trying to be as considerate as possible about what would benefit the situation the most and how I can do that for the sake of it, as in the long run it'll be the biggest benefit for everyone else because I feel not many people will think as far as I sometimes do and always seek to improve.
In this occasion I am hating how I want to spend time with people, yet want to be on my own, and yet I still want to do things that make me happy with someone but convince myself that they would prefer to be alone because I feel I can put myself in their body and understand that alone time is sacred to them, because I remember being in that situation, but the difference between us is that I think I'm more sentimental and go by my logic of making the most of situations while I can, as it's not possible to predict what will happen in a week or two, or even tomorrow.
I just enjoy the company of people rather than want or expect to interact much and I want to be left alone if I say no to someone, I hate being ignored, so I try to just be honest with people instead and get paranoid that sometimes people think too much if I say I want to be left alone, or want to spend time with them for whatever reason, thanks again paranoia for thinking of everything and trying to empathise with everyone and not disappoint or hurt people.
Don't get me wrong, I'm also relaxed enough to know that when someone says they don't want to do something that I won't react. In general I ask things and always prepare for the worst. I've had enough negativity to turn it into the wisdom of pre-emptive disappointment and not to hang on to it if it happens, it just happens and I have to find an alternative or just deal with whatever it is, life is too short to mope, it's difficult at times though if it's something that makes me really happy, but again that feels incredibly selfish of me.
Basically, I think I try to take things in life so casually without drama or a serious touch, that I become paranoid and think of everything else. When I actually want to do something that involves other people or someone else, then I feel selfish and put myself down a lot because I've simplified things so much that it's something I can't handle very well and I panic about being misunderstood because the way I view myself as simple can be seen as a complete mess and I dig a hole.
If I do something that feels like it's purely for me, then I'll panic and try to remove myself from it for their benefit and put myself down until I've turned the situation into one where they come to me so I don't feel clingy and irritating so I'm in control and care much less so there's less or no risk of anxiety. At the same time I fear being abandoned and forgotten and I'm still sensitive.
As usual I don't expect to make any sense, this just helps get my thoughts and feelings out into my blog of contradicting posts.
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