[Personal Rant] Trapped.

I don't know where to start this time. Another rant for the blog of insanity though.

I'm still stressing out what to do now that I'm seeing a new doctor who is quite young and just started at my local surgery. Her logic is that I need to get back into work to solve my anxiety issues, my reaction is to smile, nod and want to get out of there as soon as possible so I don't break down in front of her.

I spoke to my worker at Mind Group yesterday about it, and she didn't have much to say, only wanting to know why she felt that way and why I was reluctant about it. I had to confess to some of my rape incidents and how I felt about them, as well as confess I didn't feel ready for work, and realised I need to go on to JSA if I can't get any more sick notes either.

I basically live on £144 a fortnight, most of it goes towards bills and I get about £40 on average to myself a month, plus whatever I can get from selling things and the odd £10 from my nan when she can help out bless her. I shouldn't need to rely on others in order to be happy myself though, I should be able to depend and rely on myself financially. I depend on my ESA to be able to pay for the bills and afford to be able to eat during the week/host my friends, I'm very sensible with allocating my money.

I want to hide but know I can't, I do want to work because I'm getting fed up of not having any money, but I am terrified of not having enough time to myself any more and just breaking down, but I know this is how most humans think/function and I am being a complete wimp about it all and there's so much worse out there.

Despite knowing I need to man up, I still look at suicide as the ultimate way out because it scares me so much to feel trapped in a work environment, wanting the slow work day to end and being miserable, to come home and know the next day is filled with this, and 5 out of 7 days of the week is filled with this, unable to to do anything in my evenings because my friends all live so far away except one and we do our own thing.

My life is based on surviving/coping while at home, and waiting for the time I can spend it with friends. I like my alone time a great deal, otherwise a  work environment wouldn't be so bad, but I don't like being alone in my flat because the area I live in is limiting, going out is limiting based on if I could afford a bus pass because the decent scenery for photography is quite a walk away in any direction.

I hate the feeling of being trapped if you couldn't guess, this is in any way whatsoever, it's due to my upbringing I think, and it's frustrating. Yet again though, my mind tells me to get on with it and move on, ignore that feeling because any human feels the same about their freedom and just plows on through it as it's the only way.

I'd love to move to Gloucester because it's where my friends live in or near, I just don't have a clue how this can be done. I've wanted to move there for quite some time as well, it's not a spontaneous decision, but to be able to afford to actually move there is the problem, as well as getting more sick notes and/or signing on to JSA. 

I have been trying to find an income I could make myself, but to cover rent it would have to be something really good to be able to make that much money, my baking business I tried to create was going well until my confidence had broken down again, now I'm too afraid to try and advertise and to try to bake, I put myself down so easily and so much that I want to break down and again; commit suicide.

Suicide is not the solution people will say, but it is when you hate yourself for being so afraid of things, I don't even think it's fear, I think it's anxiety itself making me freak out instead.

I don't want to be a problem to my friends, I don't want them to spend their hard earned money on me and helping me out, they could do so much better with it than support someone who hardly returns the favour and is not going to submit to giving them sexual pleasure because it's against my morals and I have worked hard to gain my own self respect and value the fact I have a choice.

I feel so stuck, trapped and lonely with no one I can go too, not properly, not where it can be okay and justified for me to go to them, as it will eventually push them away, it does nothing to go to anyone about my shit and everyone has their own problems, so again, I need to man up about it to avoid the worst and I realise this, it's just so damn hard without knowing the most suitable route I can take, I hate being so weak and again, I know I'm just ranting here and should get up and do something about it as it can't solve itself.