[Personal] Being Bipolar and dealing with the past and present habits

I've tried to avoid blogging here for some time after an incident in one of my social groups that went horribly wrong.

But I really need to work this one out. 

I realised I have SO many issues to do with my childhood that I'm only realising now. I'm trying to avoid telling myself to ignore it all and just carry on, they're just excuses and so on. I've also recently been diagnosed as Bipolar, and I technically have known this since I was diagnosed as manic depressive when I was seventeen but I never knew what it really was, it had depression in the name so I assumed it was a form of depression, and I suppose it is in a way.


It was never an extreme case, but my mental moodswings never had a justification to them. I tried to recognise the signs and know when I was feeling manic, depressed, more anxious, paranoid and so on and try to maintain that. That's where my agoraphobia stemmed from too I believe, it makes sense. 

When I want to avoid inflicting any of my moods on someone else, then I want to hide and not risk anything by being out of the way of everyone. If I did nothing, then I'd not upset, irritate or anger anyone.

It makes me feel weak for hiding from the issues by painting my models and semi-watching shows and movies I've been meaning to watch or catch up on, but it's not really. It takes a lot of control to not say what's on my mind to someone and in some cases, by holding back my panic reaction when I feel something is expected of me, or I want to please someone or be interesting and appealing to them. I have an abundance of self doubt.

I try to keep my desk area tidy and do my house work so I don't get in trouble. No one will pick on me if I haven't done something I said I would do and I'm nagging at them for not doing something that's bugging me. If they did find something I should have done or be doing, then I'd be distraught. I try to do everything I can to justify not working, it also means it won't drag my mood down either. If I can see mess everywhere, then it represents how my mind feels; a mess that I don't know where to start. If I can at least make the outside look reasonable, then I'm happier for it and the productive feeling makes me feel a lot better about myself because I've accomplished something.

I have a spoilt brat complex too. If I want something done then I want it done now. For example if there's hoovering to be done and I trust my house mates to do it when they say they will, then I won't nag them to do it because I don't want to stress them out. After a week or longer I will just do it myself and I won't hold a grudge against it, I know it needs to be done and I accept that I'm to impatient to wait because I can see the mess on the floor etc. I've been brought up with house upkeep being a major part of life and although I'm nowhere near as a perfectionist as they are to keep the house clean, I do have some habits from it.

It does drive me mad that I can't just wait and be patient. It also applies to my finances; if I want to do something and I can see how I can do it, then I'll borrow money and pay it back later, making me permanently in debt. If I don't go out, then it means I save money. If I have distractions in the form of model painting (which I get paid for too) then it means I have more money that goes towards my debt and when I am debt free then I am able to have a lot more financial freedom to improve things around the home and in my life etc.

I am a firm believer of spontaneous ideas. I am known to be reckless and impulsive when I feel anxious or manic. I want to make myself feel better, get something over with, risk something and hope for the best, by not carefully considering what I do and just DO it instead without much thought. That's probably my worse bad habit from my moodswings and it's a result of panic in different forms and whether I choose to ignore it or not.

I get angry over the smallest of things and disappointed. I find ranting to really help even though it's over trivial things and things I know aren't my problem. I make them my problem because I seem to have a unique ability to think two steps ahead. For example: Today I noticed my house mates brand new car was getting grubby and he has only had it for a few weeks now. I know if it was me I would be taking a lot of care to avoid that happening as much as I could before it became inevitable. They don't seem to care or if they do, it's in their own time with their own methods. It makes me want to go into their car with a hoover and do it for them, but I know that's wrong so all I can do is hide again into my model painting.

I seem to have this 'all or nothing' logic about me too. We either do it all the way or we don't. I can be patient so long as I know I'm in it for the long run because the prize will be worth it, or the progress will be, if that makes sense? It becomes extreme at times, in that I won't do it at all, or I'll do all of it depending what it is. Another example: I will do all the house work and not just my own because I know it's the only way it will get done without it annoying me everyday because my house mates have a much higher tolerance than I do, and I don't think that's a bad thing, it's each to their own, this is my problem. I'll then get annoyed at myself for giving in and doing it because it's the house work I gave them to do. I try to take as much as I can on my shoulders because my house mates work but I don't.

I also try to understand their severe depression. I thought it was the same as mine before I was diagnosed as Bipolar, but it turns out it isn't the same. They can't just motivate themselves and tell themselves to do things. They actually have something else in their brain that's causing a chemical imbalance and I can't understand that because I always try to find some form of coping mechanism or something at least positive to try and get over things. I look at things in front of me and they're not so bad, I'll find a solution somehow and then try to make that solution work. They don't always work but that's just me. It seems I can't apply that logic to them though and now I try my hardest not to nag at them and to make their lives as easy as possible.

If they are at least content that they at least have no house work to do, then I'm happier because I've helped them. I don't feel like they're taking advantage of me which I used to be paranoid of in the past. I can't clean their pets for them, and I refuse to go in their bedrooms to clean them up as a result of this, otherwise I would. But I can do everything I can to help them not be depressed if I can, or not as depressed. I'm starting to have faith that they try their hardest too.

If one of them is upset or angry or irritable then I have to control my own emotions. I have to try not to freak out which will result in a panic attack. I'll flinch and panic if someone is angry, especially if it's at me or a result of my actions or something I've said.

I understand my house mates have a different relationship with each other than they do with me. I am known as 'Mummy Bonnie' because I take care of them or try too, and stay out of their way. But sometimes I feel left out, it makes me feel lonely but I learn to smile inwardly and understand they need to support each other. I'll make the most of my time alone and just zone out if I can, again into my model painting because it's productive.

I know I have abandonment issues related to my mother not wanting me at 6 weeks old. I've always known my grandparents took me in because they felt they had to do so, not because they wanted too, but because they were morally required to avoid not losing another grandchild to social services and I've always tried to avoid being in the way. Yet at the same time I became a spoilt brat that wanted everything because money was my grandparents solution to any problems they had with me. They tried to buy me things to fix the problem, but that was never enough, not really. I became embarrassed if I was given emotional attention because I didn't know how to handle it.

I always tried to win my mothers praise and respect but it never worked. She was always ignorant and self centred with her own problems. My grandparents just wanted to settle down, but my grandad was a workaholic and still is, wanting to maintain financial security by supporting a family by himself and he has done a brilliant job at that, but he wasn't around much and was usually tired. I loved and still love going clay pigeon shooting with him too.

I had to take care of my nan, she has been disabled since before I was born and aided by an electric wheelchair, so she has always needed someone to go out with her to help her into her wheelchair, go into shops for her, reach things for her, get things for her, change her leg dressings, help with the house work and get food for her sometimes, and so on.

If they had arguments I'd loathe it. I'd cry in another room, afraid I'd lose one of my grandparents if they divorced, and feeling like I was to blame. If I wasn't alive, if I wasn't there, then they wouldn't be having an argument. In some cases it was because I was overfed and obese at a young age, and at times it was because I was being spoilt and I was a brat. They didn't know how to handle that.

I think you can see where I've developed habits I now don't know how to deal with too. I don't like losing people, I don't know how to deal with people, I don't know how to be myself and I have no confidence in myself either. I was never brought up to look towards careers and jobs, only to be told I had to find a job when I was in the last year of school and not knowing how to deal with that. I still don't know what I want to do, my grandad firmly believes I'll never be able to handle a job full time because I've failed when I've tried to keep jobs in the past.

I am genuine in what I say and who I am though. I am a pain in the arse to learn how to handle and I do contradict myself and I am a hypocrite, but I'm pretty sure that applies to most people in their own way and extent.

Hopefully I'll feel better after this. It's still quite jumbled in my own mind. I tried to avoid details too. I thought I managed to overcome thinking about the past, but recently I've just realised where some of my behaviour patterns come from.