My birthday is the 30th of September, so for my birthday I had plans to see Terry Pratchett on the 29th of September, and see The Lion King theater show with the best person I could think of taking with me to it, but I cancelled these plans in order to attend my favourite of LAN events instead and now I'm worrying about this decision.
As some may know, I have separation anxiety disorder thanks to my mother abandoning me at six weeks of age but always being involved in my life as I was raised by my grandparents who tried to shape me to be different from my mother.
I rebelled and became hipster and tomboyish as a result, it also meant I was afraid of being alone but not knowing exactly why I was scared of sleeping on my own in a room, I wasn't afraid of monsters or any of that, but I required a light on and when I was forced to sleep in my own room at the age of nine I had to have the radio on and eventually managed to cope without light.
I still prefer to sleep with the light on and I always have a teddy to sleep with. I fear sleeping on my own if I don't have either of these though, I have to have someone with me otherwise I can't sleep and I'm prone to crying and freaking out which leads to anxiety attacks, I still can't explain why, it overwhelms me and I hate it.
Anyway, that's the reason behind my fear of being alone on my birthday, as a child I was known to be a spoil ungrateful brat, but I realised this year that I was afraid of being alone more than ever on my birthdays, I wanted to be accepted and loved more than usual and have friends around me, people who showed they cared and I was important to them as much as they were to me.
I have a great deal of love to give and I understand the value of friendship much more than ever before now, I do not need to go to extremes in order to be liked and gain fake friendships, it's the genuine ones that matter and now that I realise this, my 26th birthday is becoming a feast for anxiety.
I feel it's a bad thing to hope for attention, I don't like outright attention where everyone looks at you, but the subtle attention as a result of appreciation and love for someone.. the feeling that you're not alone and you're loved by your friends who become the replacement for the lack of mother and father in your life. I love my grandparents more than anyone in the world, this much is obvious, but I want my own family created by my friends because I don't intend to have children and I believe I am polyamorous as my relationship choice.
So anyway, I am getting increasingly worried that I will be left alone, it won't feel like my birthday because I'll know I've got another week or so before my age actually changes, but it'll be the only celebration of it, and I can see that anxiety being expressed by my 'excitement' for four other birthdays being celebrated at LAN which I am genuinely excited about; I want to make sure they enjoy their birthdays because at least I am able to appreciate that they have lived that long and they're my friend.. in my life.. even if I don't know them as well as I would like.. it still matters..
This is really personal for me, so I hope I'm not judged as an idiot for it, I do better getting my feelings out there.. I really just hope for a lot of hugs, cards would be even better (see previous blog entry) but I'm not going to be picky..I wonder if it's just me?
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