R.I.P Robin Williams

So there I was, chatting to my friend James after feeling down prior to talking to him.

When I look at a group Skype conversation with some friends, seeing that they're getting a lot of news on Twitter about Robin Williams being dead. I must've read it wrong, I have to Google it to find out, it must be a prank or fake, it can't be true.

This is the actor that I first grew to like when I was little and Mork & Mindy was on TV. Then I saw Popeye, Aladdin, Mrs Doubtfire, Hook, Jack, Jumanji, The Birdcage, Ferngully,  and Flubber it went on from there to the more serious films such as Bicentennial man and What Dreams May Come.

I always thought he looked like my dad (technically Grandad, as most know, my grandparents raised me, despite having my mother around in my life too) so he felt like a second father to me but on screen. He made me laugh when I was sad, down or just grumpy in some way. I watched Aladdin to death because the Genie was hilarious, I was biased to anything with Robin Williams and remained that way until he went into more serious films which I didn't want to watch. He gave me a warm feeling and he was my first love outside of family, as silly as that sounds. 

Even as a child I would cry at the thought of him dying, I never wanted to think about it.

I loved that he called his daughter Zelda, that he was geeky like I was/am and that made me feel closer to him because being a gamer girl was tough back then and it was difficult to be accepted by anyone but my one best friend I am still friends with, and we both loved him too. Zelda was and still is my favourite all time game, it felt great to be that close and had a slight disbelief that he'd name his daughter after a game character, but it was awesome and I envied her slightly. I even felt closer to him by sharing last name! and thought how awesome he would be as a father too.

I knew he had troubles, knew he had issues with substances, but I knew he aimed to get better and worked hard for over a year. I'd always look out for him, use any opportunity to talk about my love for his films and encourage people to watch films they hadn't seen of his that I thought were underestimated, such as Bicentennial Man and What Dreams May Come (Admittedly the book is better for that one, but Robin Williams did his job perfectly in it, as expected.) 

I could relate to him as I grew older as well, being someone who has suffered from depression for many years myself and finding it difficult after ten years now, for someone to have gone through it as long as he had was admirable and again, I felt closer to him and empathised with him, but knew he had a much darker life and mind to work with, it saddened me but I could do nothing in the grand scheme of things but love him.

I'd always known I had a special place in my heart for 'just an actor I'll never meet' and I always hoped to meet him, hoped I'd get the opportunity and the chance to do so. I dreamed of it, to be able to say "Hello, you've been like another father to me, thank you for making my life better" and shake his hand, hopefully get a hug and definitely a picture too so I could cherish it and say it really did happen.

Just this morning in the shower I was thinking about 'What Dreams May Come' as I enjoyed the book a lot and found it the most logical afterlife I could think of. I thought about Robin and how he was doing, hoping he was ok and how I wouldn't be able to deal with the pain when he eventually passed away, but I thought I knew and hoped he had many years left in him to enjoy a natural death and was naive in thinking he had gotten oven the worst of it all now.

I'd think about him almost every day, sometimes just to make myself feel better by knowing my childhood friend was still around and to hope to meet him and enjoy knowing he was working on Mrs Doubtfire 2 and Night at the Museum 3 so I'd have those to look forward to watching. Sometimes I just thought about him and dreaded him passing away, especially as a child; I hated it.

What's worse is that the last few weeks I had been having day terrors, it had gotten horrific and I'd freak out during the day but I held it together until I broke down, in the last week I've just been trying to avoid those thoughts and distract myself; be happier about things and accept everything instead. Now I'm struggling not to go down that route again because there's no words for how deep down that rabbit hole I got. Now I just wonder how deep he went if the rumours of suicide is true.

I try to fight the fear of life, try to fight it and carry on, afterlife terrifies me and I know I'm not the only one, that's what religion is for; to make people feel better about being alive. I won't have children because I don't ever want to risk passing on anxiety which is more than likely, it's a horrible thing combined with depression and it feels like a constant fight. So my childhood actor that supported me throughout the tough and good times also suffered similar thoughts and feelings, I won't say he couldn't go through it any more though, not until it's official.

I just feel so sorry for Zelda and her siblings right now though, the biggest shock and sorrow will be on them and I wish I could be there for them, I've always admired Zelda for similar reasons stated at the beginning of this.. but right now I need to stop crying and go to sleep.

I had even called my parents up just after the news was officially on BBC News, only for my dad to tell me it's what celebrities do, I knew he was just reassuring me in his own way, but right now I feel that the world should be grieving as much as I am, but I understand that it's selective how much people mean to them when they don't know them as such.

I know I am being silly, but he meant the world to me, he was my imaginary friend, the one I went too that never questioned me or judged me or made me feel crap, he always made me smile and later on I'd even cry every time I'd see the end scene in Bicentennial Man despite knowing it wasn't real, sometimes I'd really cry and need to watch something happier of his in order to cheer up. I couldn't deal with the thought of how he'd look when he passed away.

What Dreams May Come tries to teach us how bad suicide could potentially be on someone, the book and film both make this clear and I do recommend reading the book because there is a true life story behind it all. This makes me frustrated because I've believed in the logic in this story most of all regarding afterlife, as stated earlier. So was it really that bad for him? I know I'll never know this answer truly and I don't think I want to know, it's personal for him and it's his private life, I am but a stranger and he must have known how much support he had around him, but I assume that wasn't enough to fix his problems which I can also understand.

He had money, friends and family around him, granted not all of it has always gone right for him and he has had to do some grieving for his friends and family too from what I've read about his life in the past.

This is my personal rant about Robin Williams, this is like a family member dying and I don't care if people find it stupid of me either because very few people actually knew how much I loved him and I still can't believe it. I struggle to find how people can just go on in life as if nothing has happened after saying they're sad about it..and here's me being a sentimental moron and in disbelief.

I just wish he could have reached out in more ways than just alcohol, wish I had known him personally to be able to relate and be there for him, this pretty applies to anyone who has anxiety and depression, it's a nasty combination and feeling alone is our worst enemy when life has overwhelmed you and you dwell on things. I never had the chance to meet him, I doubt it would've made any difference giving I'd just be another fan to him, but I wish I could've tried, I thought he had gotten better.

It's just so sad that someone so close to my heart that I admired so much, went through similar thoughts and feelings as I do. That's the real heart breaker here. Someone so incredibly talented at making people laugh and being awesome may have actually decided to take their own life, despite all their efforts to fight that fear.

This is now the time to watch the classics I never got round to watching as I didn't want to have nothing new to watch of his after he passed away, which happened much sooner than expected.

Edit: With the discovery of the early stages of Parkinson's Disease, I believe Robin could not cope with this on top of the day to day struggle of depression and anxiety to top it off. I can not fault him for his choice to hang himself, he has immortalised himself as the man we all knew to his family, friends and the world, he and we will never experience him going through the more advanced stages of the disease and I can understand, I can't fault him for his choice and it took a lot of courage whether he knew it or not.

I believe taking your own life is a terrifying decision as you have chosen to die rather than your body giving up first.

I love you Robin, always my second Father.