This one has bothered me for years really, actually my whole life. Those people that make you feel that because you're obese/fat, they can judge you on it because you're showing a weakness on the outside.
Tonight and this weekend I have been at a social gaming event. I do have social anxiety and it is difficult when already shy and insecure, but I at least try to fight it and push myself. I also learn people are never on my wavelength either, so I adapt.
But it does feel harsh to be quickly judged as uninteresting because I'm not attractive by being obese. It makes me fe conflicted about losing more weight. Hmm
So another thing I've found depressing lately, not being able to have the confidence to create conversation with people because my mind goes completely blank and I fear peoples impressions of me when I already feel they're bad enough as it is. I'm the strange one without a job which already puts me at a disadvantage.
I never get that involved with games, I don't really have hobbies you can have a conversation over, and I don't keep quotes in my head, watch politics or watch the news.
I'm interested in people. Learning about them and how they work and see things. This isn't something that can be brought up over dinner with friends, neither is the kink lifestyle because people react badly to it or awkwardly. Which is kinda how I felt tonight when out for dinner with friends.
Tonight I just sat quietly and couldn't think of anything to talk about. I'd listen to others and the small attempts for attention would be pushed aside. If I could make people laugh it wouldn't be so bad, and I did try. That's the one thing I'll make myself look stupid for, no matter what.
Just adds to the loneliness and I do try to make a difference.
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