Family issues

Some of you know that I was raised by my grandparents. Not adopted but they're my legal guardians. They disapprove greatly of my biological father because they didn't like him when my mother was with him. My mother doesn't like him because she holds grudges and she's a bitter woman.

I am forbidden to meet my father but I have met him twice and I'm glad I did because I learnt nicer things about why I was born, than what I was led to believe since childhood. This is unknown to my family though, they know I've spoken to him and I have him on a social website, but that's all.

I'm scared of knowing that side of my family more. I've met some of them, but they're extremely different to the family I know. The same even goes for my Father. I love my little sister, she's so much like me that we're to awkward and shy to actually hang out often and I kinda don't mind that, I'm an introvert anyway. So long as she's okay, I'm happy.

Yesterday I learnt my Father had been in an accident and currently sedated whilst on vents and suffered internal bleeding after being electrocuted. I had to find this out by myself, no one told me, I only noticed a post on his Facebook page that caught my attention and scrolled through to learn what had happened.

A few days before that, I had written several paragraphs to him to explain my distance to him, and what I thought and felt about the past and future, as well as trying to explain how I felt about him a little. It was heartfelt and a sporadic moment of inspiration to dig deep to find those words and word them appropriately. But then messenger crashed just before I sent it, and it was never sent.

I'm flying to France Friday morning and staying at a hotel in London from tomorrow evening onwards. My Father isn't going to Swansea burn unit today now due to the high winds and potential snow, so I could visit him in Southampton which is 2hrs 30mins away roughly, and 20mins from my parents. 

My problem is that not only is it awkward to get to Southampton on short notice, but I would have to be able to control my guilty conscience of visiting him behind my parents backs. I couldn't do that at all, but I know they would be against me seeing him. At the same time I really want the peace of mind of knowing how he is myself, and I almost want to cry in frustration.

He's my biological Father and the nicest and smartest of my parents. I love my grandad who I call my dad to bits, I would never betray him and if he sincerely doesn't want me to meet my Father, then how am I to visit him at hospital in case he dies while I'm in France? I would never hurt my dads feelings, ever. He comes first to me. I know my Father isn't the greatest of people, but he has a big heart from what I've learnt about him, and although he may be a dirty old man which creeps me out, he's at least a lot more human than my Mother is, I wish my parents could see this, but they will never forget the man they knew before I was born.

Urgh.