[Personal] Submissive

So there's a thing called a switch if you want a label people can call you. I'm one of them and generally I don't behave submissive in obvious ways.

I'm submissive in that I'll put people first. I'll hide and be out their way, opt out, feel like a nuisance and/or a bully when someone points it out.

I'll go further and further into my shell until I break down or just become really miserable and hide away by default.

I don't feel sorry for myself and expect people to notice me and feel like my life is so bad that people don't care about me and want me out the way. They're potential thoughts but I let my brain go as far as accepting it's easier that I'm out the way, otherwise I seem to just upset people or I'm bring selfish and bossy.

I can't help but point out the obvious and be honest, I also can't help that I don't understand how I'm meant to be sensitive and provide white lies to make someone feel better but also fuel the problem and prolong it because they can use it as an excuse, and make me feel like shit when I'm being told to back off.

I'm a bully once I know what the problem is and the solution, and I find it frustrating when I'm being told off for doing it to someone who won't break out of their cycle and seem to not want to come out of it despite it being the cause of their misery or annoyance.

So I find myself going into a scientific way of trying to be out the way. I'm always aware of my surroundings and I didn't want it to be true, but people laugh more and have more fun when I'm quiet or not in the same room.

I fail at being able to provide intelligent conversation too. It's difficult to keep details and quotes in my head. If I am learning how something works then I will disregard the explaining and just need the how until I understand, which is a very hands in approach and even if someone went through what I have learnt, I will forget most of it in an almost insultingly ignorant way and it's not intentional - drawing brainstorms is the only way and even then I won't remember it well enough for conversation in a restaurant or with a group of friends etc.

It's frustrating because I want to be able to make people laugh and love me so I can keep making them feel better with the power of laughter. I want to follow after my idol, but I think I'm overwhelmed by sheer of awe of how talented he was and how I am relying on just being silly.

The things I can and do find good to talk about, are ones that cause me more mental harm than it's worth lately. I'm not someone who can give you an answer if there's a broad choice of them. I panic and go blank, I want to give you a few answers and take my time making sure it has reasons and talk about them. Which then leads to other concerns and creates a nothing in my mind.

I guess this is a rant, and a messy one at that. Ah well..