Please note that this is a blog entry I wrote many months ago. I wasn't prepared to publish it until now. I had not gained my own closure and faced it with myself before I could face anyone else who may/will judge me for my actions. As usual though, I have to get my thoughts and feelings out there via this blog. Make sure others know they aren't the only ones going through things, or even thinking things on their own.. it's okay <3. This blog entry is also why I stopped writing and posting here since May.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths. Fight this strong feeling of nausea. Tell yourself you had to do it. It wouldn't have worked and I knew this. It had to be done. It had to die.
A lot more 'What if' has come into my life now and I have to ignore and fight it. I can't tell myself to just not care, or not think. It's gone..it's dead.. The seven week old thing that was growing inside me and I got to know it quite well for two weeks.
I'm crying, I don't want to cry, I never cared previously, hated children, awkward around them and didn't like how they behaved no matter what the age and they weren't mine either. I felt sorry for them if anything. Sorry that they have to endure our future that looks bleak, hopeless and depressing. Now I look at them and think how my life could be different.
For nine years I was convinced I was infertile, and I stayed true to this even when I lost six stone and I was a lot thinner and more likely. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome meant that I had a much lower chance to fall pregnant, much lower because I was obese as well.
So imagine my shock to discover my paranoia was correct; I was pregnant. I had to wait two weeks for a consultancy at the abortion clinic. What the hell, I was never meant to be in this situation, this was never going to happen, I never cared for pregnancy and only roughly knew the process.
Sometimes I'd think about how I'd raise a child, I have even been told I'd make a good Mother too. But I never seriously thought about it. Maybe adoption, but unlikely given my love life and fear of commitment and peoples feelings.
I also didn't want to give up my life for a child yet, my Nan (My grandparents raised me) always said to never have children and travel the world because children will take your life away for the rest of yours, or until they move out but they'll still cause problems and cost you all your money too. She told me this as I grew up and never did she mean it nastily.
I wanted to lose weight, experience life as a thin person, hopefully overcome my fear of work and get a job in order to gain confidence, self respect and more independence and an enjoyment at being able to play with the choices in my life too. I wanted to surround myself with friends and make great memories in the process, taking pictures as I went and creating my own family of loved ones.
I was fascinated with this life form growing inside me, I called it my alien or my rice pudding, I installed an app on my phone after researching about it too. I was happy, glowing, tired, confident, protective. I love this little bean that was growing inside me, the Father didn't want though, and that was step one to any potential of me raising the life inside of me. I had a lot of admiration for the Father as I saw him as someone I respected and looked up too, I was proud that his wriggly managed to make this happen. I loved him and that made it okay, but he didn't love me, we were just friends with benefits.
I wasn't going to make any mistake in raising a child. It had to be both of us to do the job and agree to it, I couldn't change someone else's life drastically just because I felt I could raise a child because I had the opportunity. Adoption was simply out of the question too.
So on Thursday the second of July, I threw up, I experienced extreme pain, and after a few hours, it died. It went down the toilet, and I only realised just as I flushed. It broke my heart as I wanted to save it and bury it. I was at a social event until the Monday and not many people knew because I didn't know how people would react.
But I don't want to feel alone about this. I am suffering, I am crying, I am heart broken and destroyed that I killed my own child that I was willing to have if it had been at the right time and with the right person.
I have no regrets that I didn't use any birth control and rarely used protection with those I had/have long term sexual relations with (but I do with new people or those that aren't going to be long term) because I was 99% convinced I was infertile since it worked out for the previous nine years. I had the implant put in me at the same time as I had the abortion pills.
But I am struggling not to regret my decision at this point. I know there's no looking back, but it breaks my heart so much. I feel so guilty, I avoid killing bugs at all costs, let alone my own child that was part of me, and I'll never learn who they were going to be. It would have eased the pain if I had somewhere or something where I could have felt close to it and still protect it in case it was aware, (I have a strange belief of the after life) but now I can't, and there's nothing that can be done about it.
This has destroyed a part of my soul, a part of me and who I am. I had something that could have been a someone to love and protect and always be there for, but now I have eliminated that chance completely. I don't think I could take the risk of being pregnant again, I have ruined the opportunity I was given after such low chances.
This is my story of the last few weeks. This is why I have been quiet lately. Some of you knew, and thank you for supporting me. I am scared to make this public, but I also don't want to feel like I am suffering alone. I hate it, no more, please.
My baby, my unborn baby. You were real, and I still struggle to believe that. I'm so sorry. I now wish I could have saved, sacrificed myself for you because you were just surviving, and I killed you. You were so strong to get there, but I killed you. I was scared. I am such a wimp, making excuses all the time and hiding, but I took your life away and I had no right to do that, you were innocent.. So sorry. Please forgive me. My life currently feels more worthless than it did before.
No comments:
Post a Comment