I'm not proud of some of the things I've done in my past. At the same time I wouldn't have learnt and be who I am today either. I learned via experience as most humans do. Some are naturally smart enough to with things out themselves.
I tend to put my foot in it with my lack of ability to string the appropriate words together and stick with ones that make me ramble instead. Combined with being honest and slightly panicking about the outcomes, I can really dig a good hole and be misunderstood (which I then try to pre-emptively counter by rambling some more to avoid but make worse.)
The way to deal with this is to not talk at all or very much to those I want too, or try to work out a safe way until I get impatient and/or frustrated and open up to someone because I loathe conflict and/or making anyone upset or angry. I actively avoid getting too involved with people in relationships, mostly guys. Because I can't be sure that I'm going to be trusted. Keeping up impressions and appearances for the sake of someone else is difficult and I'd rather avoid it altogether because it's so much work for me to keep track of what I do and say. If I can be myself, great, perfect.
So it saddens me a great deal when I try my hardest to fix something with someone so I can be fiends with them and my friend I've lost contact with thanks to the former person. To be fair I lost then before they got involved with their partner and I can accept that. I was too awkward and emotionally confused how to handle them at the time.
What I hate though, is when they won't listen because they have stuck impressions and thoughts about me via other people talking about me. Do I not get to tell my side of things? No compassion? I'll own up to my faults when I'm aware of them and I know I treated some people awfully because I was caught up in myself a few years ago and trying to get by so I wouldn't be freaking out and being scared about how I should be feeling and dealing with people.
I had terrible coping mechanisms that made it worse, and I'll always feel like I'll never truly be forgiven, it keeps coming back in different ways and I don't know how I can fix it. Heck I have no idea how I'm meant too and who secretly has been told things behind my back and I know there's no way of finding out until it's too late. I can only be paranoid.
I'm a passionate person, I deal via actions, body language and the feeling I get from people. You can tell if something isn't right with someone and I hate that feeling, especially when they deny it and when you give up on them then you either lose them and/or find out why it's been awkward when it's too late. Rarely though it can be saved it both people are willing.
I'm not sure where I'm going with this really. I cheated on my ex, tried to believe they could deal with a polyamorous relationship because I rebounded on them from a three year long stockroom syndrome relationship and took their first kiss and everything else. I didn't want to be near them sometimes because I felt bad about what they had to deal with. I hated upsetting and hurting them, at the same time I wanted to get away and try to have my own freedom and I put that first. It was wrong.
Pushed them away because their love for me felt undeserving and I couldn't love myself. I was destructive and I hurt them a lot. They raped me in my sleep out of a desperate need to feel loved from me before I was ready and that made it worse, but I don't care about that anymore, I don't think anything of it because I understand that I brought it on myself. It's only now that I feel they'll never forgive me and I won't believe it until they're actually being a friend, but I guess I don't know how I'm meant to be a friend for them so I make it awkward and unintentionally desperate if I word things wrongly.
Yet despite all that, I look at the good things we had, but it's too late for that. It's a sad story and the price I've had to pay feels like a high one because I now don't know what's been said about me, so I can't tell them my story other than by writing this and hoping some of them care enough to read it.
I'm extremely paranoid but I'm pretty sure it's not just that this time. I'm sorry for what I did though. I really am. I try not to repeat those mistakes and sometimes I do still make them, but they're small ones that don't cause as much drama and don't cause as many problems via them because I think I am getting better at learning my own bad habits and I know more mature people who can handle dealing with the situations.
You'll find in this blog that my older entries change over time. I'm not proud of my thought process and feelings etc in a lot of entries but I begrudgingly keep them there as a reminder of that. I can only hope I'm not judged based on them. I change and adapt a lot in order to improve. I do hope it's evidence though that people do change over time.
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