Monophobia

This phobia is a dick.  A result of feeling abandoned by my mother despite always having her around visiting my guardian grandparents but never feeling like I was good enough for her attention no matter what I'd try. I haven't been officially diagnosed yet,  but I am going to confirm it because I am 99% sure of it.

I hated sleeping alone. I was 9 I think by the time I was  convinced yo sleep in my own room with the lights on and radio playing. I now sleep with the radio on still sometimes,  or the sound of my fan blowing in the air on a timer of an hour,  just to let me get to sleep so I don't hear the silent night that sounds so loud in my head.

Relationships are difficult because of this. For other reasons I can't handle an easy predictable relationship where I feel overwhelmed or claustrophobic from their feelings. I try not to follow that example myself either but sometimes get carried away.

I have to go for the person that makes me on edge quite often,  that I can't open up with as much as I'd like.  They make me stronger by not giving me attention and affection too much and make me feel like I have to earn their respect,  pride and love. I'm cool with that because I know I get better at adapting over time and I learn more about humans too. Something I've always really struggled with.  Social anxiety and what I believe to be mild autism.

It has also made me super paranoid regrettably.  I try not too but I feel most of the time I'm concentrating on not thinking or thinking too much.  Focusing on smaller achievements.  Sometimes I love being on my own because I know people will be around when I go to bed,  or at least in the house somewhere and there got me if I feel it's safer for me to have them around. If I try too much then I have a moodswing (bipolar) and it's really difficult to get back what I was holding on too.

But this is my life and I'm working on conquering it.  I managed to live in my own flat for 11 months before I needed to move closer to my friends and I'm happier about that now,  but still trying to make more friends locally,  specifically female as I feel that's something I've been too nervous about too; females being able to misunderstand me more easily than males.

I just wanted to get some stuff off my mind so I could focus on other things.