Love and be loved. Hating myself.

This one is going to be negative as hell.

Lately I've been thinking about how negative I am about myself. How much I do not love or believe in myself at all and what that's actually effecting and how. It's funny how I always assumed I just knew I loathed myself, and thought that by simply telling myself not to think that way, that it would fix it.

I think my relationship potentially doesn't help with the way I think of myself. My partner doesn't love me, whether he will or not in the future I don't know, but I'll always assume negatively to avoid disappointment because I don't know how to be more of which part of myself in order for them to do so, neither do I feel I should change that either. I can be more myself and less insecure, more silly and braver/confident, but that's it.

It does make me question how can I improve myself? and I'm reminded of two things; People love those they respect. Respect is gained by keeping yourself slim, and having a job. These things show you can look after yourself, and means that the person isn't going to run into issues with you being a burden by being unable to look after yourself.

I won't lie, this makes me feel hopeless, panicked, depressed and frustrated. I want to believe that even though it has been a bumpy ride, I am getting closer to the steady path of consistent weight loss, and that will unlocked self confidence and slowly rid my talent to doubt myself and not believe in myself as being good enough for work when there's others more desperate for work than myself.

Which reminds me of my favourite 'habit' which is to not be in the way, other people deserve things more than me, I am okay with being put last because I can deal with it, where as others may not be able to do so. This has helped with the way I think of food and money a little bit, but has also been depressing and limiting because I am unable to think of creative things to do in life because I do not believe in myself any more. I give up easily now because it's become the easier path.

This is where things cycle in a loop that I find almost impossible to get out of on my own. That it would admittedly be easier if I had the support of someone I love and they love and believe in me and help me to my feet and I'll trust them, something I find really difficult to do with anyone because of my paranoia and putting myself down all the time, despite trying to make my best efforts which never seem good enough if I have missed out something small.

But then I've been taught not to 'Need' someone or something, but only Want. The same applies to saying sorry and only saying when you genuinely mean it, not use it as an excuse.

I want to be loved by someone I love, not have complications or pressures, and for it to be my choice to commit, same applies to those who I am/want to be involved with. That makes gestures and things they do, mean a lot more.

But I am reminded I am not loved, I don't have someone I feel I can go too and they want to be there for me and I can trust them on it. That they won't judge my moments of weakness and wanting to be held, reassured and made to feel better and supported, not alone etc.

Sure, there's people I love and I'm loved in return, those are friends and such, but I can only really put everything into one person, the deep stuff etc. The rest is shared out really, but I am horrendously paranoid and feel guilty if I go to anyone else.

Making the effort to meet new people is a lot of hard work, so I tend to go by first impressions whether online or in person. I can sense/feel what they're like very early on. The same applies in getting to know friends better, talking to them more and being with them more. I sometimes break down because I just don't feel good enough for them, preferring to hide and feel that's better.