Posted from Facebook.

I have dependent personality disorder, abandonment issues, low self esteem and insecurity/self loathing issues and recently discovered I'm somewhere on the autism spectrum but waiting to talk to a psychologist to diagnose where, as well as learn more about where my bipolar is at too. I have anxiety, agoraphobia and depression too. But none of this matters any more and this is why:
Every comfort lately feels like something I have to feel guilty for. I know it's selfish to talk about myself (I don't deserve it) but I encourage everyone else to talk about themselves as much as they want became I'm here for them.
I am lost without my comforts. Telling myself to stop it because they're annoying unnecessary things. Learning how to cope with a series of mental disorders without relying on anyone but myself because I want to be stronger.
Well a person that I look up to most has been teaching me how to be an adult in order to keep their friendship that is most important to me, they're not actively teaching me, I'm learning from their examples. My paranoia says things aren't okay between us, that they hate me (I know they care for me but they don't show it) and they're using me so I'm trying to be better for them by doing the things they do.. But it feels so heartless and cold to me, but that's just me sulking because I don't quite understand it. I'm trying though. Don't get me wrong, I'm bad at wording things at the best of times. Friends have agreed with everything they say/do so don't misunderstand that they're being a douche or anything. It's all logical and I'm looking for more people to agree so I feel less isolated about it. Like stepping into something you know is different and scary. Hopefully the last time I ask for help.
They don't like it if I'm being enthusiastic about something and want their opinion so I suppress it but do slip up sometimes and it annoys them. Same goes if I'm too silly and avoiding anything negative when they want to be left alone to game.
They don't like me saying how I feel. They don't like that I'm dense at the best of times and don't see certain things which I have to go to others in order to see where they're coming from because they don't want to waste energy telling me themselves which means dragging out personal stuff.
They've taught me that mental illness is to be embraced and not labeled or diagnosed but accept it's who you are. That you don't need friends or anybody else, just the voices in your head.
They have taught me you never need something, only want, and that's a bad thing too because you should only depend on yourself.
They have taught me that if you want to complain about something then don't. Fix it yourself and don't bother others with your thoughts and feelings instead of doing it.
They have taught me that if you have a problem with them then deal with it with yourself, don't talk to them about it because it brings them down and they have things in their own life to deal with. That it's selfish to express your feelings.
They have taught me not to pressure someone to see where you're coming from because if they don't want to give you the chance to be trusted or say how they feel and talk (because it's almost impossible for them to ever be wrong or to see someone else's view) then don't bother trying at all and keep it bottled up.
They've taught me (without knowing) that I am destined to be single for life because they believe there's one person out there for you somewhere. That anything casual with someone isn't allowed as you don't do that with friends. That snuggling friends is wrong, sharing the same bed with clothes on, touching friends is just generally wrong in any way and only for the person you're in a relationship with, otherwise you're invading their space and you're also being reliant on someone else as you're doing it for your own benefit, not theirs, and it's never mutual. I have always believed until recently that you find people who are compatible and you love them for the things you don't have in common and drive you insane with, as much as the things that make you happy about them. That it's OK to hug, slap the butt, poke, snuggle, cuddle etc but only when you know both are comfortable with that. It sucks to know I was so wrong.
These are all things I've learned lately and it sucks. It feels like a kick in the teeth at how to be a grown adult. I'm all for open talking and expressing yourself and how you feel. Make things work by going honest, listen to others, make sure you're on the same page and giving chances and opportunities to learn from other people. If you're nervous, anxious, stressed etc that you go to someone about it and you help each other through it. Those you trust to be there for you and you to be there for them. That small things you can do can go a long way to help someone and it's not asking much (thinking of the good morning/night thing for example.) It feels so lonely lately trying to follow these new 'rules' and more stressful to take away the comforts. More depressing than ever. Being an adult sucks if it means being this way.