The closed minded term of 'ex'

Fed up of being misunderstood. Fed up of not being able to word how I feel properly, and creating those misunderstands and misconceptions.

Fed up of my ex/my friend who I love and yet drives me fucking insane for their emotional immaturity and ego. Who bottles everything up, is always right and will not change their opinion. Who is closed minded and doesn't trust anyone or anything to open their mind up to something because it'll create change to their routine, their pattern.

I hate it. I hate the label of ex and the 'rules' that go with it and how exes by nature behave and how they have to be careful and behave and how everything is so petty. It's so fucking pathetic because I have no 'ex' who I treat that way. We have our own rules based on each relationship/friendship we now have, and it works. The mutual respect is wonderful even if we don't talk any more or barely.

Why the fuck should you just close the door because the relationship didn't work, but the dynamic between you both does? Why the fuck should I feel hatred towards myself for feeling insecure about my friend/ex for being more involved with another woman they have known longer than me and hoping they would reassure me everything is ok, I am still important too as a friend. Why do I have to deal with this myself and have faith in this friend/ex who barely reassured me at the best of times when we were together because they believed you deal with your own problems? Why the fuck is that such a big deal? Writing out or telling someone some reassurance as a fucking human being, not an ex. I hate that term, I hate the thoughts, paranoia, mistrust and expectations brought along with it as much as I hate being in a relationship.

You're going to fucking die one day and why should we choose that path instead of embracing and accepting what has happened as humans? I know I'm a hypocrite that I should drop them and move on, not care any more. But when I do actually fall in love with someone, it stays forever. I don't know about any other human, but that's how I work. Why does it feel like it's just me though? I want to be friends with this 'ex' of mine, not exes trying to be friends where there's no trust from one person and paranoia that the 'ex' (me) has some hidden agenda. I love them, if I didn't I wouldn't give a shit and move on. They apparently care too but I fail to see it any more because if I hug them or I am close to them then they feel I am invading their space. Do friends do that? No. Is it bad to hug your friend or cuddle them? No. Is it human? Yes. Then why the fuck am I made to feel like a fucking freak for being one? Why can't I be that petty as well and then when I die one day, it matters ALL SO FUCKING MUCH to have done all that and run away from it all mentally instead of looking at that person and seeing how it goes, trusting them.

If you've got two people like that then yeah, it's never going to work and it's shit if you can't be honest and talk to each other about how you're feeling and such, but I am not that type. This is shit because when I am older, when they are older, it's going to be bitter and regretful, but they will never let it get to them and they will push it aside when things could be so much fucking better if they would just see that.

I know I am being selfish here, I really do, but that's exactly my fault here if anything,and I'd rather be this than the stereotype ex I am apparently meant to be..