Almost a week since I moved to Gloucester. Today I receive a message from my mother, telling me to leave my parents (grandparents but they adopted me) alone and let them enjoy their old age.
That they love me but they're pissed off that I've moved and they spent a lot of money setting me up in my flat I nearly survived a year in, and nearly burnt down. They told her to tell me that.
That they want to be left alone now, not receiving calls and texts from me and that they don't get my sense of humour.
It's like a hard kick in the stomach. Everything I feared for when my parents passed away but much earlier and the worst part is that they're still alive and made that choice.
Moving to be closer to friends was meant to be a decision to keep me from suicide and since moving, it has so far worked and kept the thoughts and bad feelings away, with a lingering fear of them coming back.
Moving was terrifying. Gambling so much and being away from my parents, but also trying to build my future life so I would be ready for when the two people I loved most would depart from this world and I'd never know if I'd see them again, which adds to my fear of whether I have to be conscious for the rest of my life, or just dead and losing the conscious feeling I have of being alive right this second.
It makes me terrified and cry. It makes me feel so trapped, pointless and petrified. So I hold on to what I value and that's my loved ones. I tried to make the best decision and now I feel somewhat betrayed deeply and not knowing what to think or do.
I know if I approached my parents with this they would cover it up and say they didn't say all of what my mother told me for them. That's why they sent her to tell me, they have done this a few times in the last few years.
I just don't know. I feel even more guilty for relying on anyone now, and I'm telling myself not to feel sorry myself, it's an ugly feeling to have.
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