[Personal] Dark thoughts.

Every night I think about killing myself. Every night. Sometimes it's just a thought, sometimes I plan it out  further in my head and go into details.

I'd like to think I won't do it, being petrified of what's in the after life and knowing that there's nothing, the people I love will be gone, just gone. So fucking terrifying it makes me cry a little even now, it does every time.

Oh god it's so horrible, the book 'what dreams may come' is the only afterlife I could believe and I then panic that I have to be conscious for eternity, I'm trapped and fall into a never ending pit if despair.

Sure, people read this and see me as clingy, needy and weird because I dare think that far, but I consider it brave to be able to not hide from the truth. I know to try to enjoy what I have right now and be stronger from it. Take every day as it is and do what I can without going insane.

I have a hard time understanding people who don't understand me or are at least on the same eave length as I am and like me. I am honest and open and I can't help that, sometimes I hate it because it doesn't make me interesting and I strive for acceptance.

I don't want to be alone, but I like to be alone.

Whenever I'm really bad I try to hide it, distract myself, try to sleep, anything before I seek help in the form of going to a friend as I will always feel like I'm bothering them and they have their own lives to deal with, sometimes I feel I need too though.

Ironic how people who read this just judge me and look down on me more as some crazy person to avoid when I am also a different person when I'm not feeling vulnerable. I loathe that because by writing these I put my trust in anyone who reads it and wonder why I bother. I just look for mutual minds and conversation to make me and anyone else feel better that we aren't alone in a basic human fear.

I admit I feel I'm a bit dense, but not stupid either. Just lost and off the path you could say and quite easy going.

And if you have any advise that had worked with you for helping this despair then please feel free to share it. I don't look for sympathy or attention either, it annoys the hell out if me.

Have some thoughts I wrote but never published in fear of what people would think of me:

1st Oct 2014:

"Something I was told recently has stuck in my head and manifested. That I needed more confidence to be liked. How the fuck do I do that with no reason I'll believe about being a good person? I always look for acceptance and yet that outs people off even more. Feel like a never ending battle with a treadmill when I want to actually go somewhere. I feel a lot of despair"

14th Oct 2014:

"Almost every day depending in how tired I am, I think about that fear of afterlife that I know everyone has to an extent, then they choose what to do with it.

We want to be able to smile whether on the outside or inside. Enjoy what we have, who we are, our youth, our loved ones and family.

So why is it that I want to find that person that can tune into that deep fear and turn it into primal intimate passion that escapes everything and the sheer loss of mind takes us to our own version of bliss. I believe we need to be relaxed and free from thought and bad feelings to really escape,and have someone there who we understand and trust and receive the same back.

Fear is extremely strong, as is love. Combine them both into a wordless physical passion and there nothing more unique and incredible like it.

It may sound silly, but that's how I work."

Judge me. Go ahead and judge me because I'm starting not to give a fuck as I  don't want friends who are going to do that and look down on me for who I am which is  someone who isn't afraid to show their weakness.