So I've always been conflicted between right and wrong, stupid or not and so on. This being a result of being raised by over protective grand parents who always meant well.
Today is Halloween and I didn't think about that until this evening when I started to feel the vibe of it from social media.
Instead, I had been looking forward to a lazy day where I wasn't required to do anything and could stay indoors all day as I knew that the next day would be the start of three days of anxiety build up of not knowing what I'll be doing and not knowing what to plan in my head.
Tonight I started to feel left out of the festivities, not just in the way that I'm home doing nothing, but that during my upbringing I got used to knowing not to get hopeful for a fun time because my parents would always say how much of a waste of money it is and stupid.
This logic applies to everything. I have a mental condition called dependent personality disorder and the people I look up too are the ones I'll listen too.
But at the same time I want to do things and be silly, "waste money" but have a laugh and do something different. I feel this is also to blame for my lack of creativity that disappeared when I was about 10. What's the point in daydreaming when you know it won't happen? It's not practical enough.
I am very indecisive as a result of this as well. I want to spend this amount of money on such and such, but I could put that into savings and not regret it. That's a constant process in my mind, even when it comes to buying furniture for my new bedroom next month I am told not to go to IKEA and go to an independent shop in town because I can't afford the higher end stuff and don't want the lower end either. I'm told not to use Gumtree after being told that what I'm looking at is too expensive on Amazon. How can I win?
I know end of the day I do what I want, but the guilt is overwhelming and that then chains to anxiety and so on. I try to do what my parents approve of, because they always seem to be right as well, which has been proven many times.
During my childhood I was told to save up, not get married and see the world. As soon as I started travelling the UK when I could, I was told it was a waste of money and to expensive and to save up and buy a house or that I couldn't afford it. I can't win.
When I got my cat I had thought about it for months and now and then the years before, I had decided to look every 2 days or every day for the right Scottish fold. I had been set on getting a SF for years if I got a cat, so that wasn't difficult.
Whenever I mentioned wanting a cat in the last few years I'd always be told that I wouldn't look after it, I'd neglect it and leave it alone to much and I wouldn't be fair to it. They cost a lot of money I could save instead and they eventually die.
Yet they have always had pets and had opportunities to not get another if they didn't have any. Nan always felt to lonely and dad was OK with that feeling and preferred not having pets.
Yet I am given grief and I've had my cat Robin for 2 months now and only left him overnight once, this weekend will make it three nights but for all three nights he will be at my parents upstairs, although he won't have as much freedom, he'll be looked after and given attention.
I've passed on a few events in this time because I want to look after him, make sure he has company and make sure I can prove my parents wrong by looking after him and not want to abandon him. I needed Robin as company as loneliness is always with me in my flat and after the suicide of Robin Williams I needed company more than ever. I like being on my own when it come to human company usually.
I side tracked a bit by using my cat as another example but my point is that the only time I seem to have fun and actually do something is what I'm impulsive; when I've thought so long and hard that I throw my hands in the air and just do it. Whatever it may be.
I'm scared of so much in life now because of the guilt I face whenever my parents are against something I do, which is most things.
I used to trust an ex of mine that I was with for three years, I was loyal like a dog but also scared of him at the same time. I didn't want to do something wrong and I didn't want to be a failure, but I always felt like one because I received no compassion from him. I wondered why he stayed with me because he taught me independence by leaving me alone when I needed him and expecting me to know right from wrong.
He never wanted to celebrate Halloween or Easter, Christmas was mandatory but I was only ever allowed a small tree nothing more for decorations. I felt guilty still anyway, my nans voice in my head telling me it's a waste of money for one day a year.
But I don't plan to have children to inherit things from me, my family have very little contribution for the next generation and I am mentally unstable to work right now so I've got a plan laid out to go to the gym and lose this weight of mine in the hope that it changes my life.
My family always said that online friends were stupid. They would use me and I won't always be friends with them, they would eventually leave me for better things or people etc.
They were against me meeting online people until I was 21 and then I just had to supply enough reason to meet people because I was never allowed much in terns of friendships as a kid either and had a lonely upbringing.
This made me become needy for acceptance and to some degree, attention too. Nan told me multiple times that I was a selfish attention seeking bossy spoilt brat, and it wasn't just her either. You really hold on to the negative things in your child and teen years.
But now I'm told it's a waste of money going to LAN events when I can talk to the same people online and play the same games. This is true but it's nowhere near the same. Social events force you to be social and learn more about each other, make memories etc. I'm also told I'll grow out of it, I've been told this for over a decade now.
Turned into another ramble didn't it? Ah well clears my head and labels me as someone unexciting a bit more. I envy and also get annoyed by acts who behave like children and impulsive about it too, but I also get annoyed because my mind won't let me do that.
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