The last few weeks I've told myself I'll write an entry to here, filled with thoughts, passion and reason why I should and what can motivate me, but I kept putting it off for negative and insecure reasons.
So first of all, I levelled in age recently and it was great! I had an amazing cake that put me into shock at the amount of time, money and effort that must have been put into it, and I had a nice meal out for the day and had ice cream in Wales, as well as having friends and loved ones around me in the evening too, that was fantastic.
I received cards which I still have on my wall at home here, and I still enjoy looking at them. It'll make me sad to take them off my walls and put them away though, it always does. I had extra cards this year too, maybe I've beaten a record? I always write the year on the back of my cards so I know when they were etc.
My logic with cards? I can keep them forever and I know I won't have kids, I know my family is so distant and private to their lives that once my parents pass away, I'll only really have my friends to be my family and no children to inherit my stuff and be sentimental about what I leave behind that means a lot to me. So I know that at least I can look back on my own past and smile at what I have of it and doesn't take up lots of space.
My memory is terrible, so presents aren't remembered very well for when I received them and who gave me them etc too, but I do love receiving presents too, don't get me wrong! I'll always be a child in that respect and feel that you're allowed to be spoilt on your birthday with such things; it's why I enjoy spoiling my friends on their birthdays if I can, I love them to bits and they are my family, I hope to never lose them.
I also received some super duper news that I'm still getting my head around; I am clear of my debt to my friends and I can stop worrying about requiring to borrow and not know when I can pay back, if I can handle a job, if I can handle being alive if I do have a job and so on. It's very alien to me to be debt free after owing money for the last 2 years, but I won't go into details.
Insecurity is an all time low, as well as my libido. I want to make friends, I want people to feel exciting again and fun to get to know them, click with them really well and feel special again, but I don't. I'm curling up into myself and getting more lost and confused than ever.
Hating my appearance and not having any sex drive at all because there's so much negatively and putting myself down without even thinking about it now, that I've come to the conclusion that I can't fix this problem unless I go to the gym and push myself to lose weight and create an addiction to exercise. I've watched some Extreme Weight loss and it's very motivating, I know I can't do as much as they are pushed, but I also know I can try, and I can tell myself that the pain is my body complaining and not trying to hinder me from losing weight via exercising.
I am also moving to Gloucester into a house with my best friend which is terrifying and exciting. Terrifying because I want it to work but don't want to end up with no money again because I'm paying out even more on bills and rent etc, but exciting to be near my friends despite being away from my parents too.
As I said earlier, my friends are my family and most seem to be situated around Gloucester, plus it's easier for me to travel to events and such too. My kitten can roam outside and he gets a whole house to explore too which will make him happier.
I'm surviving and coping and getting better again. I think having a cold doesn't help as I feel very disorientated and not myself. I have bad habits when at home of being lazy and not wanting to leave my comfort zone at times too, but I try to fight it, in my mind at the very least.
So I think that's about it for what's going on in my life and a bit about what's happening in my mind without getting into too much detail.
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